yesterday/today/tomorrow/SHRIMP!

Once again, it's been awhile since I've blogged. This teaching thing is consuming so much of my time- more than I expected. Last night I got to release some stress, so that was good. Jason, Paul, Leah, and I went out to Westport, wined and dined (well, beerd and dined, really), and then we found ourselves at the nearest bar that wasn't incredibly loud like Syberg's was. The Dorsett Inn. What can I say? It was...interesting. While driving down Dorsett, (an area all of us are completely unfamiliar with), we decided to pull into the first place we saw with those neon bar signs on, so we pulled into The Dorsett Inn. Right as we did, a very strange looking "goth" type guy, who honestly looked like a serial killer, walked out the front door. We thought, what the hell, let's check it out. It wasn't too bad, I guess, except for the ridiculous $3 cover charge to get into this dump, apparently because of the horrible cover band that was playing. Oh, and besides the whole Paul speaking Spanish to a Native-American guy, and consequently almost getting his ass kicked. Well, kinda. Anyway, it was a good time. Today was good too. I shared a bottle of wine with my aunt Jean...it was nice. I don't think she and I have ever sat down and talked like that with no one else around. We usually only see each other during family functions, so it was quite nice. Now I'm rethinking the whole moving thing. I don't know if I want to be so far away from my family after all. Eh. I don't know. Anyway, tomorrow is pretty much going to suck. I have to do a shitload of lesson planning. :( And I have to pay my rent, so once again, I'll be completely broke. But, Monday will provide some comfort. Julie and I are going to gorge ourselves at Red Lobster. Endless Shrimp is back baby!!!! This event is seriously the highlight of my year. How PATHETIC is that?!?! Hmm...I just got the sudden urge to listen to some Marvin Gaye. That's weird. *Yawn* I'm tired. It's 9 o'clock on a Saturday night and I'm beat. Good night.

"Let Me Love You"

It's been awhile since I've done my little "songs-I-love-that-have-significant-meaning-for-me" bit. This song by Mario is not only lyrically and melodically wonderful, but it serves as a constant reminder for me not to tolerate bullshit from the opposite sex. Thankfully, my love life hasn't suffered another blow lately, but every time I listen to it, I'm reminded that there are good guys out there and that I deserve someone who will treat me with love, dignity, and respect. Plus, Mario is in one of my favorite movies, "Freedom Writers". LOVE THAT MOVIE! Although, Hilary Swank annoys the shit out of me.

Writing lesson plans SUCKS

So, with the first week of actual teaching (not subbing) under my belt, now comes the work. The first week is chock full of what us teachers call "community-building". You know, all those "getting to know you" type games, etc. Besides that, all we've really done so far is explain the procedures, expectations, the syllabus, and all that jazz. Now I'm working on the actual lesson plans which will begin on Monday. It's not so bad, but what I despise is coming up with all those damn objectives, like: "Students will be able to record his/her knowledge and understanding of vocabulary" and "students will be able to self-diagnose current writing skills and implement new strategies for creating ideas". That's basically a bunch of mumbo-jumbo that means they'll be taking a vocab quiz and revising a paragraph they wrote. Granted, it's purposeful and relevant, but at times, it's a bit....well, bullshit. Alright, back to work.

My "baby". :(

My "baby" is growing up, and while I'm so happy and proud of what an awesome kid he is and what a fine young man he is becoming, it makes me so freaking sad! He's away this weekend, and I just don't quite know what to do with myself. He's celebrating his last weekend before the start of second grade at Camp Wyman. His first time away from home. I'm about to burst into tears right now. I miss him so much! He drives me up the freaking wall sometimes, but damn! I can't live without him!!!! *tear, *tear. :(

Titans baby!

Maybe my iPod is gone, but at least I have the Titans- my all-time favorite football team. They won tonight, and their final score was 17- my lucky number. Maybe it's a small sign that things are going to start looking up for me. Finally. Only time will tell, I suppose, but I'm big on the whole "sign" thing, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Karma's a FUCKING BITCH

I have seriously lost all faith in humanity. I have always prided myself in being the kind of person who truly cares about other people- even complete strangers- and I often go out of my way to be helpful in any way that I can. Recently, I stopped doing nice random acts of kindness because it seems like every time I do, it completely backfires and I get completely fucked over in the end. Well, today, I decided to resort back to my kind ways. As I was leaving the South Campus of UMSL today after a meeting, this woman- short, black, homely, around 30 years old- grabbed my attention and kindly pleaded for a ride, near the intersection of I-170 and Brentwood because her car had broken down. I thought about it for a split second, and then realizing that this was (kind of) on my way home, I agreed. After all, I didn't want to be one of those rude, selfish, inconsiderate people who just walked by without even contemplating helping out this stranger. So we're making small talk as we drive to my brother's house, which was on the way, so I could pick up Alex. I ran in to get him (bringing with me my purse, cell phone, and car keys. After all, this is a complete stranger and I wasn't taking the chance on getting my car stolen or something). Anyway, so I'm in and back out in about two minutes, and we were on our way. I dropped her off in front of the Barnes Extended Care nursing home in Brentwood, where she said "thank you", and we parted ways.

I felt good about what I had just done. Not to float my own boat or anything, but not everyone would do such a favor for a complete stranger. Well, all was well until......

About an hour ago. Alex and I drove up to Shop n' Save to return a couple of movies to the RedBox. As we're pulling out of the parking lot, I had the craving to listen to a little Jason Mraz, so I reached for my iPod (which is kept between the console and the passenger seat, completely out of view, attached to the iPod car connector thing-a-ma-jig). GONE. FUCKING GONE. THAT FUCKING BITCH STOLE MY FUCKING IPOD RIGHT UNDER MY FUCKING NOSE.

What is wrong with people?!?! Someone does you an incredibly generous favor, and this is how you re-pay them?!?!

Just when I was beginning to regain some faith in the common man, I get completely fucked. I am DONE helping people. From now on, when someone asks me for a favor, I'm going to tell them to KISS MY FUCKING ASS.

I want this house!!!!

Ok, so now that I'm finally going to be done with school and getting my career off the ground, the reality of being a home-owner is inevitably in the near future. I've always been interested in real estate and in seeing what's out there, so lately I have been extra curious. I want to see what's out there, and with the housing market as shitty as it is, how much house I'll be able to afford. Right now, the area I'm most interested in is Ferguson. My (former?) church is in Ferguson, and I really like the area. I've subbed for the Ferguson-Florissant school district, and I loved it. I'll probably apply to teach at McCluer South-Berkeley High School eventually, and I have faith enough in the district that I would have no problem entrusting them in providing Alex his education. Downtown Ferguson has a real old-time feel; it reminds me of "Old Webster"- a part of Webster Groves that is striving to become more trendy. Granted, Ferguson is a little bit slower paced, but I really like it there. It has beautiful parks, little traffic, and nice homes for reasonable prices. Let's just put it this way. This house (follow the link) would easily cost 220,000 in Webster. And that's being very conservative. The asking price for this house is $169,900- at the very top of my budget (when I'm working full-time, that is). But, then again, that's just the starting off point. Everything is negotiable. Seriously though. Follow the link and take the virtual tour of this house. It is EXACTLY what I'm looking for!!!! Awesome backyard, fenced in (for Ted), nice patio. Six-panel doors, crown molding, fireplace, granite countertops, hardwood floors, landscaping, garage, foyer. Space for a basketball hoop for Alex. Everything down to the dining room chandelier is precisely what I'm looking for! Anyone want to loan me some money??? :)

http://realestate.yahoo.com/Missouri/Ferguson/Homes_for_sale/a751e71d8b88b93652765c2e88cde15;_ylt=AhCyKZvbnKWqlt6riYopjwvnMrQs?typeBak=realestate&p=Ferguson%2C+MO&type=classified&search=Search&priceLow=&priceHigh=180%2C000&bedroomLow=&bathroomLow=&redir=1<ype=0

Last Day

Well, my tenure at Hollywood Tan is officially complete. Today was my last day. It feels very strange to know that I don't work there anymore. I've been there since June of 2006, but it seems like even longer. I am obviously a very nostalgic, sentimental person, so all day I'm talking to myself, saying things like, "this is the last time I'm going to clean the Mystic", or "that's the last time I'm going to see so and so..." All damn day! Well, it's done. After more than two years, I can honestly say that I have come out of that place with a handful of wonderful, life-long friendships (not to mention about $1500 worth of tanning lotion). It's been a nice ride. In many ways, I'll definitely miss it, but it's time to move on. One of my favorite (and final) customers, Nancy Rios, said something that I think will stick with me for the rest of my life. As she was leaving this afternoon, and after I told her it was my last day, she said "It takes a very special kind of person to be a teacher. You are that person, Katie." She said it with such sincerity, in such a heartfelt way that it really affected me in a way I didn't expect. People are constantly congratulating me and wishing me luck, but the way she spoke those words will truly stay with me for a long time. Anyway, I will definitely miss things at good 'ol Hollywood Tan, but I'll tell you what- I will definitely NOT miss wiping up disgusting puddles of people's sweat, dumping out trash cans full of urine, and retrieving shit-stained underwear that people stash behind the beds. What the fuck is wrong with people?!?!

Enough already.

Enough with country music already. Holy fucking shit.

Am I a selfish bitch?

Today and yesterday were better than the day before, but I'm still feeling a little bit....well, actually, I don't even know the word for it. Sad? Depressed? Lonesome? Confused? Angry? I don't know. I had a conversation with Richard over the weekend, which was a huge mistake and spawned this damn discombobulation that I'm suffering from at the moment. I don't even want to get into it because it's completely pointless, and I feel stupid for even taking his call and putting myself in this position. I just don't understand how he can say the things he says and do the things he does. Once again, I have to remind myself that the only thing left to do is never, never, ever, ever talk to him again. In some ways it makes me really sad because he was my best friend and all that crap for a long time, and now I know that my only option is to move on with my life and leave him completely behind. I have to remember that he is my past, and I have to be ready for a future without Richard.

I know I'm going to sound like a horrible person right now, but I can't help but admit that it has been weighing heavily on my mind. I am so incredibly happy for my friends (and family, for that matter), who have been lucky enough to find someone that they want to spend the rest of their lives with. I love them all dearly, and while I'm very happy for them, I can't deny that their happiness reminds me of how unhappy I am, how lonely I am, and how damn tired I am of watching everyone else find happiness, leaving me in the dust, by myself. Jason is getting married in September, Jamey and Melody are getting married in October, my brother Jered, and my best friend Julie are both getting married next summer. Colleen just got engaged, and all of my friends are in seemingly healthy, committed, long-term relationships. Again, while I'm extremely glad the people I love have found love, what the fuck?! Even my mom, whose husband died 9 months ago, has a new boyfriend. I feel so completely and utterly alone.

I've been thinking more about my move to the East Coast. I researched jobs and houses online, and I'm planning a Spring Break road trip for me and Alex to check out the different areas of Charleston. When I think about it, I get excited. I really think I need a new start. But at the same time, I know that part of my reason for wanting to move is to escape the constant reminders of how damn happy everyone I know is. I don't want to be constantly surrounded by couples. All it does is remind me of how badly I want meet the right person and settle down. I rationalize to myself the fact that I'll be in a completely new city, starting a new life, and therefore, there will be a legitimate reason for me to be by myself. When I psychoanalyze myself, I come to the conclusion that if I move, being so lonely won't hurt so bad. It hurts so bad now because I'm constantly surrounded by people, but I am still lonely. All the time.

Ugh!!!! I don't know. I'm just so sick and tired of this feeling.

Well, maybe my life is currently in a complete whirlwind of confusion, but at least Gordon Ramsay is on tv. That will ease my mind for at least a little while.

My ABC's

I was browsing random blogs, ran across this little activity, and thought I'd give it a whirl. I'm bored, babysitting (but all the kids are asleep), and I've watched about 5 hours worth of prison shows on tv. Time for something new...

A is for age: I turned 26 on May 17th. The way I look at it, I'm one year closer to being 30, and I'm still single. Not a happy thought!

B is for burger of choice: I typically don't enjoy eating large portions of animal carcass. A little bit here, and a little bit there is fine, but too much makes me sick. So, I prefer my burgers to be thin. Cheese is an absolute requirement, and it must be completely melted. I like a sesame seed bun, with a large dose of ketchup next to the burger for dipping. Sometimes I like a nice thick tomato slice, but what I love most is my burger served with a crunchy slice of onion. Maybe it's a bit tacky, but honestly, my favorite burger ever is the regular old cheeseburger from McDonald's. You know, the one with cheese, teeny tiny little onion pieces, ketchup, mustard, and pickle slices. Yummy......

C is for the car I drive: As of January of this year, I am the proud owner of a decked-out Cadillac Catera. Sure, it's ten years old, but it is by far the nicest car I have ever owned. Bose stereo system, heated leather seats, power sun and moon roof, all power, that shiny fake-wood looking stuff on the console. It's a nice ass car, I have to admit. It was pretty much an early graduation gift from my mom. Prior to the Caddy, I had Celia, my fifth generation Toyota Celica. I must admit that even though I love and adore the Caddy, I miss driving a stick!!!

D is for your dog's name: Ted, one of the most loyal dogs in the history of the world. He's 1/2 Black Lab, 1/2 Great Dane or German Shepard (the vet couldn't tell). He is the cuddliest, most loving dog I have ever met. He loves to give hugs (yes, actual hugs) in the morning. His full name is Ted Theodore Logan, after Keanu Reeves' character in "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure". Don't ask me why.

E is for essential item you use every day: Mascara. I'd rather leave the house with greasy hair, stained clothes, and no deodorant than leave without my mascara. It's an absolute necessity for me.

F is for favorite TV show at the moment: Ooh....that's a tough one, considering I'm completely obsessed with television. At the moment, I'd have to say my favorite tv show is "Lockup" on MSNBC. I'm completely engrossed by the behind the scenes aspect of prison life. I want to start teaching in a prison soon, if possible, so I have a genuine interest in what goes on behind the barbed wire and prison walls. In general, however, my favorite tv shows are "Dexter", "Dawson's Creek", "Judge Judy", and "Good Times".

G is for favorite game: If we're talking board games, I'd say Scattergories or Clue. My favorite drinking game is Circle of Death, and my favorite sport is football. This is a multi-faceted question. I'm not much into video games, unless it's the good ol' Super Mario Brothers. I'm old school like that.

H is for home state: Technically, I'd have to say Florida because I was born in Orlando and lived there for the first year of my life, but when it comes down to it, I'd have to say Missouri. I was raised in Webster Groves, a beautiful, affluent suburb of St. Louis.

I is for instruments you play: I have played the piano since the age of 12. My favorite things to play are Beatles songs. Um...I'm trying to teach myself the guitar, but I think my fingers are too short and chubby to accomplish much of anything. When I was younger, I played the french horn (a beautiful instrument), and I taught myself how to play my stepdad's flute. Ew...that sounds kind of perverted, but you know what I mean.

J is for favorite juice: I love grapefruit juice. It served as my breakfast every single morning my sophomore, junior, and senior years of high school. I drank so much of it I think it burned a hole in my intestines or something. And ever since then, I have the most god-awful acid reflux it's not even funny.

K is for whose bum you'd like to kick: Richard. The man I gave 3 1/2 years of my life to. With nothing to show for it except for a broken (but healing) heart.

L is for last restaurant at which you ate: I never eat out, but I got a Red Lobster gift card for my birthday. I took Alex there in May and we shared a lovely meal.

M is for your favorite Muppet: The Count. He always kinda creeped me out. I like that.

N is for number of piercings: Just my ears. I did have my left eyebrow pierced at one time, but it was just soooo not me. And unfortunately, I still have the holes to show for it.

O is for overnight hospital stays: Just when I gave birth. The most wonderful, yet most god-awful experience of my life. Ironic, huh?

P is for people you were with today: Well, Alex of course. Then I saw my mom when I dropped him off before I headed off to work. At work, I saw Gina, Chrissy, Courtney, and several customers. Then I came over to Brian and Janet's house, talked to them for a minute, and spent the rest of the evening with Alex and my adorable little cousins- Michael, Jack, and Benjamin.

Q is for what you do with your quiet time: I watch TV a LOT. It entertains me, but relaxes me at the same time. Also, I find tanning to be incredibly relaxing. Sure, I might be developing a massive case of melanoma in the process, but what the hell? Um...I love reading, writing poetry, blogging (occasionally), listening to music, and just laying on my bed, contemplating my life. Although, with a seven year old son, quiet time is pretty damn hard to come by!

R is for biggest regret: Probably not going to work in Captiva Island, Florida the summer after I graduated from high school. I applied for, and got, a job on a resort, working as a waitress. My room and board for the entire summer would have been paid for, I would have been on my own for the first time in my life, and I would have had the time of my life, meeting new people, going out every night, lounging on the beach...basically, I think I would've had the best summer of my life. BUT...my ex (Alex's dad) gave me hell about leaving town for the entire summer, so I turned down the job offer. Even though I don't regret Alex in any way, shape, or form, I got pregnant that very same summer, and my life found itself on a completely different course, one that I never wished for or expected.

S is for status: Very, very, very single. Still mending a broken heart, I guess.

T is for time you woke up today: This is totally out of character for me, but I woke up at 10:30 this morning. I'm usually up and out of bed by 6 or 7, but lately I've been tired! Starting tomorrow, I'm setting my alarm for 4:45am. Gotta get used to it!

U is for what you consider unique about yourself: What makes me unique physically would have to be my blue freckle. I have a pronounced bright blue freckle on the outside of my right knee- about an inch to the right of my knee cap. I think I'm a pretty unique person intrinsically. I think that my ability to empathize, sympathize, and understand other people is almost unmatched. My compassion for people less fortunate with me is pretty unique in a world where most people, deep down, whether they admit it or not, don't really give a fuck about other people. I honestly want to do everything in my power to help others, and I know that God has placed me on this Earth precisely for this reason. This quality makes me proud of who I am. One more thing I just thought of. I have a fucking IMPECCABLE memory. I can remember the most random, insignificant, minute details about all kinds of shit.

V is for vegetable you love: It's a three way tie between broccoli, asparagus, and mushrooms. Are mushrooms really a vegetable though, since they're actually a fungus? I don't know...whatever.

W is for worst habit: Probably my love of Diet Coke. I also have a tendency to interrupt people at times when they are talking. I should work on that.

X is for x-rays you've had: When I thought I broke my foot (not my ankle, but my actual foot). I was drunk, dancing at Maggie O'Brien's downtown when my decision to wear my too-tall (but very cute) shoes backfired. My foot twisted in a really fucked up way, I feel to the ground, and besides being completely mortified, I was in the worst pain (besides childbirth) that I have ever felt. The next day (and week, for that matter) was even worse, considering that the insane amount of alcohol in my system had helped numb the pain. After I sobered up, the real pain kicked in. My mom took me to the hospital the next morning; I had to crawl on my hands and knees to the car, and even that hurt. It was horrible. They x-rayed me, gave me a bunch of Vicodin, and I had to walk with a boot and crutches for the next month. I couldn't walk barefoot for the next two years without being in horrible pain. Wow...long story.

Y is for yummy food you ate today: I made a delicious concoction of fresh strawberries, raspberries, and blueberries. I'm letting all the juices congeal together for an even more delicious meal tomorrow. Mmmm.....

Z is for zodiac: I'm a Taurus. And I completely fit the stereotypical "bull".

So there you have it. A little more than you probably wanted to know about me, but it was fun to think about all those things.

Two Weeks Notice

Well, it's official. I am an employee of Hollywood Tan for only two more weeks. I gave Gina my written notice this afternoon. In response to the blog I posted a couple of weeks ago, I don't hate my job as much as that blog might lead someone to believe. Yes, I was underpaid, and yes, it was a bit monotonous, but I was just feeling frustrated that particular day. There are actually quite a few things I will miss about working there. 1) the free tanning. I have to admit that I will miss indulging in one of my favorite pasttimes (and only source of relaxation) free of charge. 2) the free lotion. Granted, I have enough high-end tanning lotion to last me (and probably all of my immediate family) a lifetime, but getting all these expensive, high-quality, luxurious lotions for free becomes a bit of an addiction. 3) the customers. I've had my fair share of stick-up-their-ass bitch customers, but the majority of them I really got to know and will miss. It will be strange to never see the regulars again- Stephen McClelland, the 50-something year old man who would always arrive on his old-fashioned bicycle, smoking a cigarette, his Hawaiian style shirt blowing in the wind. And Nancy, Debbie, Chris, and all of the other middle aged women who sincerely took an interest in me, my life, my goals, and who made a true effort to treat me not as "the girl at the tanning place", but as a friend. 4) (some) of my co-workers. I know I'll remain friends with some of them (Chrissy, Sandra, etc), but it will definitely feel different not being part of the Hollywood Tan clan. 5) I'll miss the fact that I had a job that I was legitimately good at. I could sell tanning lotion to a black guy if I really tried. I became known by several customers as "the one to talk to" about the best lotion to use, package to buy, or bed to tan in. I'm a pretty damn good sales person (when I'm in the mood to be). I'm completely confident that I'll be an excellent teacher after a bit more experience and some more time in the trenches, but leaving a job I know I'm good at for a job that I'm a bit uneasy about is sort of scary for me. I know it has to be done, and I'm excited about moving on with my life and my career, but still...it's different and will take a little bit of time to adjust to.

Well, all in all, like I said, I'm excited. I will definitely NOT miss the almost 40 mile drive each day to and from my store. I will definitely NOT miss being completely polite, a big smile on my face, saying "hi, how are you?" to a customer walking in, and getting absolutely no response. Not even a simple "hi" back. I HATED that! If someone says hi to you, you say hi back! It's not a difficult concept to comprehend. Nor will I miss wiping up the massive sweat puddles of complete strangers. Ugh... And thank God I will never again have to discover another shit-smeared pair of panties stuffed behind the tanning bed or a trash can filled with urine.(People are fucking nasty). I will not miss the hours upon hours of cleaning either.

Well, I'm content with my decision and I guess that's all that matters. Of course, leaving any job has its pros and cons, but God is telling me that it's my time to move on and time to do what is right for me and my son.

All in all, it was a good (slightly more than) two years working for Hollywood Tan. It's just time to move on to the next step in my life....
Wish me luck!

This is pissing me off for some reason.

I usually fall asleep during The Tonight Show on NBC, so sometimes I awake to The Today Show. If I had to guess, The Today Show is on my tv approximately 80% of the time. So, 8 out of 10 mornings, the first thing I see and hear is Meredith Viera, Matt Lauer, Ann Curry, or Al Roker. I've slowly come to realize that I have NEVER seen an episode with all four of them working on the same day. Every damn day, either Matt Lauer or Meredith Viera has the day off, or someone is filling in for Al Roker. It's starting to piss me off. The Today Show sucks as it is, but it's unbearable for me to watch when every fucking day, one of the people that's supposed to be there has the freaking day off. Seriously. If you don't believe me. Watch The Today Show just one time, and I guarantee that one of these four has the day off. It's fucking bullshit, and for some reason, really pisses me off. I do hate this show though, so why do I care?

If I could be...

an inanimate object, I would totally want to be John Popper's harmonica. Scroll in to 2:42 to see what I'm talkin' 'bout.

Legend

"Is This Love", "Three Little Birds", "Jammin'", "Buffalo Soldier", "I Shot the Sheriff", "Could You Be Loved"....Bob Marley's Legend album is not only one of my favorite albums of all time, but every single song holds a distict memory for me. The summer of '98 was quite possibly the best of my life. I was in between my sophomore and junior years of high school, and that summer epitomized what summers should be. Every single day was spent at the pool, or laying out on my deck covered in baby oil. I had absolutely nothing to do except work on my tan. No job, no school, no worries. And every single night was spent partying, having the time of my life. It was perfect. I listened to Legend every day as I laid beneath the scorching sun, and every time I hear Bob Marley, it takes me back to a time in my life when everything was absolutely, completely, and totally perfect.

Moment of Truth, or Moment of Shame?

For some reason, I'm watching this "game" show, "The Moment of Truth", in which Mark Wahlberg asks contestants extremely personal and revealing questions. If the contestant answers truthfully, they win money, and if not, they lose. This episode I'm watching now has me baffled. Why would anyone in their right mind go on this show. This particular episode isn't even embarrassing the contestant, but rather, her boyfriend. In the first 30 minutes of the show, she revealed that 1) she's embarrassed by the clothes her boyfriend wears, 2) she wishes her boyfriend was more well-endowed, 3) she thinks she deserves someone more attractive than her boyfriend....what the fuck? Isn't this show supposed to make the contestant feel like shit, not her damn boyfriend? The poor sap is sitting there, on national television, being completely humiliated. This show...I don't even know what to say. Alas, yet another example of how our society is completely going to shit.

I HATE MY FUCKING JOB

I really, honest-to-goodness do. I fucking hate it. They treat us all like we're fucking infants. IT'S A FUCKING TANNING SALON, not the CIA for cryin' out loud. They act as if every little thing is so fucking serious. I just got my first official "written warning" because I didn't come to the supposedly "mandatory" store meeting on Sunday. Uh, sorry! But my Grandma (step-grandma, actually- she married my mom's dad like 40 years ago), is moving back to Mexico (she's Mexican), and Sunday night was her going away dinner with my family. I'm not going to skip such an important event, saying goodbye to my grandma who I'll likely never see again, just to come sit here in this god forsaken place and listen to COMPLETE BULLSHIT! I've been to dozens of these fucking meetings, and that's exactly what they are: bullshit. We sit around, while two or three girls blab on and on about something retarded, while the rest of us sit there waiting for the damn thing to be over so we can get the fuck out of there and go home. And these meetings consist of ZERO new or important information. EVERY SINGLE THING discussed in these meetings could VERY easily be typed up into a half-page memo for everyone to read when they come in to work their shift. They are such a fucking joke, such a fucking waste of time. They are out of their fucking minds if they think I'm going to skip something legitimately important for one of their precious meetings. Give me a fucking break. This job is seriously PISSING ME THE FUCK OFF!!!!! I hate it. I absolutely fucking hate it. And with the exception of one manager in this whole company, all of the managers act as if they're fucking goddesses. Ooooohhhh!!! Let me bow down to you! You're a manager of a fucking tanning salon. Excuse me if I'm not insanely jealous of your extremely high career aspirations. SHUT THE FUCK UP! Go fuck yourselves. You treat me like a worthless piece of shit now, but at least I'm doing something a bit more ambitious with my fucking life. And I'm so fucking sick and tired of reading notes to us girls that are so derogatory and disrespectful. I don't come here to make this little bit of money to be talked to like a fucking dog. I keep telling myself that I can do it. Just a few more months. Every single second, however, is a struggle. I want to put in my two weeks notice and say goodbye to this place forever! I'm a fucking 26 year old WOMAN, about to be a fucking teacher, and I'm putting up with high school drama and fucking infantile bullshit. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!

My New Schedule

In preparation of my new schedule, beginning August 18th, I have decided to start waking up early so that it won't be so torturous when I have to do it for real in about a month. I was figuring out what times I'll have to do everything in order to get them all accomplished, and I am a bit saddened by what I have discovered. For starters, I have to wake up at 4:15 in the morning. Every morning. Monday-Friday. That is going to be really difficult for me. I'm a natural early riser, but damn! That's ridiculous. For me, anything before 5, 5:30 is early. It's going to be a pain in the fucking ass, I'll tell you that much. So here's my plan:
4:15am Wake my ass up
4:30-5am Jog on treadmill
5-6am Shower, get dressed, etc.
6am Get Alex ready
6:25am Leave the house
6:45-4pm Teach
4:30pm Pick up Alex
5pm Make dinner, get ready for next day, etc.
6pm Lesson planning/preparation
7pm Alex time (quality time, homework, etc.)
Jog on treadmill
8pm Chill
9pm Be asleep

I'm going to feel like a chicken with its head cut off. It is really hard for me to wake up and instantly start working out, but I'm just gonna have to get over it. First of all, it gets my blood pumping, boosts my energy, and gets me pumped for the day so I'm not walking around like a zombie, feeling all sluggish all day long. Plus, it's a lot easier to get in a cold ass shower when I'm all hot and sweaty. It makes it bearable, and sometimes even enjoyable.
Anyway, I really am going to have to buckle down, get serious, get organized, and stay focused. I won't have time to run around in the mornings, making sure Alex's backpack is ready to go and packing our lunches. I have to start doing that the night before. I'm going to have virtually no life, especially if I continue working at Hollywood Tan on Saturdays, which I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to do, but financially, I may not have a choice. So basically, I'll be able to go out and have fun Saturday nights, and that's about it. I'll be in bed by 9 every other night of the week. I am setting my alarm- not for 4:15 tomorrow, but rather 4:45. I thought I'd ease into this slowly. Also, I don't want to be up for 4 hours before I have to be at work tomorrow morning. I guess I better get ready for bed....already. :(

WHAT THE FUCK?

I am so sick and tired of asshole men talking to me like I'm a piece of fucking meat. I'm tired of people approaching me (either in person or on MySpace), and spitting out these ridiculous "lines" at me, as if I'm expected to just jump at the chance to talk to these idiots. I'm sick of getting messages like, "Hey sexy. Hit me up, let's party." or "Hey cutie. What's up?!?!?!" If you really gave a fuck about getting to know me, your first contact with me should sound NOTHING like this. And last weekend at the bar, I sat down, and this guy on the next stool looked at me and said, "hey, what are you up to tonight? We should hang out together, blah blah blah." After listening to his BULLSHIT for like 5 minutes, I tried to explain to this douchebag that if he really wanted a shot at talking to me or any other decent woman of class, he should at least find out their damn name before basically offering to sleep with them. I do NOT understand these guys. The sad part is that there are women out there who fall for this shit, and who are the ones letting them get away with this disrespectful, immature, dispicable behavior, and it's the rest of us who have to pay the price. I would love to sit down at the bar, and be talked to like a lady. Don't get me wrong: I don't go bar-hopping in search of a mate, or true love, or anything of the sort, but I also don't go to be subjected to this bullshit all the damn time. That's one major reason I don't go out a whole lot; I'm so sick of being surrounded by degenerates. But the whole MySpace thing is a completely different story, and in many ways, much worse! I am by no means trying to find dates via MySpace or any other online venue, but any normal, semi-intelligent person can look at my profile, read about me and my interests, and should know that I'm not the kind of girl who would be stupid enough or easy enough to fall for such shit. When did (the majority of) guys completely give up and stop putting forth a single ounce of effort? No wonder I'm fucking single.

Ok, so....

I keep thinking about and blabbing about how after I land a for real teaching job, I want to work summers at a prison or juvenile detention center. Well, I'm bored and completely hyped up on sinus medication, so what better time to do a little research? So the St. Louis courts place kids in Griscom School at the St. Louis juvenile detention center for anywhere between 3 and 90 days. The school is staffed by St. Louis City school teachers (a.k.a. me), and they provide these kids (middle school and high school aged kids) with an education while they are locked up. I want to see this place in person. The website described the living conditions for these kids. They live, sleep, and eat in cells. This surprised me a little just because the documentary I saw that inspired me to do this, "Rikers High", had the kids sleeping in big dorm-type rooms. Anyway, I found this article written by a teacher there, primarily about her creative writing class. She included actual student examples with her article, and...wow. I mean, everyone has pretty much written these kids off...their parents, their teachers, their friends. Yes, they committed crimes. (The website stated that inmates are incarcerated for a variety of offenses, ranging from truancy to rape and murder.) Most of these kids aren't even old enough to drive a car, but their lives are, in many ways, over before they've even started. Kids like these have been given absolutely no chance; their parents didn't give a fuck, the school system let them slip through the cracks, and now they're behind bars, pretty much annihilating any chance for a life of success, or even normalcy. They are doomed. It's no wonder they've ended up the way they have. The kids' narratives and poetry were absolutely incredible. They spoke with such honesty, such passion, such heart. They are in such desperate need for one, just ONE person to believe in them and in the fact that they can be more than just some worthless, hopeless, gang-banging criminal. They are kids. Kids who just happened to be born into a world that would rather throw them away than help them become more than what they believe they can be.

The teacher who wrote the article said something that really touched me. She said, "This measly little writing class, in this one juvenile detention center, in this one city isn't going to change the world. But if I can help just one child find their own voice, believe in it, and use it to communicate, then maybe they can do the same for someone else. And THAT could change the world."

I feel so freaking inspired right now!!!

?

What the fuck is wrong with me? Seriously. What the fuck?

I've been a bad, bad girl.

This song epitomizes my rebellious teenage years. This song came out during my sophomore year, and every time I hear it, I return to some of the best (although most irresponsible) times of my life. I was young, beautiful, carefree, outgoing, and naive; I honestly have never been as happy as I was when I was 16. It reminds me of skipping school and drinking, sneaking out of the house and drinking, going to parties and drinking, etc. etc. In particular, I remember being at Julia's apartment (which she had when she was just 17, so obviously, that was the place to be). Anyway, surrounded by a dozen or so cohorts, we were feeling good, downing beers and sipping from a whiskey bottle, after smoking a fat, juicy blunt. We laid backwards, our heads dangling from the sofa, the two of us belting out this entire song at the top of our lungs. We didn't give a shit who was looking, how bad we probably sounded, or the fact that we should have been home studying (yeah right!). This song reminds me of how beautiful that moment was. Young, irresponsible, without a care in the world except having a good damn time.

UB40: "Please Don't Make Me Cry"

I am a huge lover of music. Music has the power to make me laugh, cry, smile, think about the future, as well as bring back memories of my past. Every so often, I'm going to be posting the videos of songs that have significant meaning for me and my life.
The first one is UB40, "Please Don't Make Me Cry". I love UB40's smooth jazz/reggae sound, but perhaps the reason I'm so fond of their music is because it's one of the only things I have to remind me of my dad. I remember very few things about him; I remember watching "The Wizard of Oz" in his lap on Halloween in 1988. I remember how great he was with dogs; he could train them to do just about anything. Our doberman, Rudy, was his pride and joy. I remember he loved listening to the Cardinals games in the backyard, while barbecuing and drinking cold cans of Budweiser. I remember he would sit outside reading the paper, soaking up the hot summer sun, every single morning. I remember exploring Churchill Downs with him, and I remember UB40. That's the extent of it. His UB40 tape, "Labour of Love", I believe, is the only tangible thing I have to remind me of him. I've cherished it for the past 20 or so years, and it will continue to be one of my prized possessions for the rest of my life. Anyway, this is why UB40 remains so dear to my heart. This song in particular always reminds me of the times, almost a lifetime ago, when I had a dad.

LaSt BlOg Of JuNe 2008

What the fuck happened to the month of June? Tomorrow is July 1st. WTF?! I'm not ready for it to be July!!! I start teaching August 18th, and I am NOWHERE near ready! I'm not ready for this summer to be halfway over!

I'm sick.

I don't know if I'm a big baby or what, but I'm sick, and it sucks. I was out with Chrissy Saturday night, and for a brief moment, it felt as though the left gland in my throat was becoming a little bit sore. Well, I went to bed around 3, and woke up at 5 with the most horrendous pain I've ever felt in my throat...ever. I crawled into bed (I had fallen asleep on the couch), and I literally did not get out of bed until 8 this morning. That's 21 straight hours. I had a fever, body aches like you couldn't believe, and my throat was so swollen I could barely speak, and I still can't swallow. It's horrible. It hurts. I bet JASON gave this to me. Last time I saw him- last Thursday- he was complaining about a sore throat. You owe me Jason...big time!

Sexy Man Addendum:

In a previous blog, which, by the way, I constructed primarily out of complete boredom, I ranked the ten hottest male celebrities. Well, boredom has struck once again, and I feel the need to make a few changes.

George Clooney is no longer #10. I forgot all about the sexy Josh Hartnett. When I first laid eyes on him in "The Faculty", I knew he had it going on, but after I saw him in "30 Days of Night" a few months ago, his hotness was solidified because he's quite possibly even better looking than he was ten years ago.



So...George Clooney is off the list, (although he never looked hotter than he did in "From Dusk Till Dawn", I think he's more deserving of the number 11 spot).

I contemplated removing Patrick Dempsey from the list, that is, until I saw him on "The Tonight Show" a few nights ago. (I think the episode originally aired in April, however). Anyway, he was so cute, so charasmatic, so charming, that he definitely deserves to be in the top 10.



I don't think Danny Pino is very photogenic. I also considered knocking him down a few notches, but every time I watch "Cold Case", I find myself completely mesmerized. He's simply delectable. I still can't find a decent picture of him that truly captures the essence of his hotness. But, this one's not too bad...



If you know me at all, you know I have a slight fetish for older guys. Maybe it's their maturity, their experience, or maybe some sick, twisted desire that I have for a father figure. Whatever the reason, there's a few older men that I find to be incredibly sexy. Maybe it's his bad ass, yet kind hearted character on "Law & Order: SVU", but I have to admit that I've had more than one fantasy featuring Christopher Meloni. I'm not usually into the balding type, but....damn. He's sexy.



Alright, that's enough of that. But I am sex deprived, so I'm allowed to be this pathetic.

Gerbils

I feel like a gerbil. I feel like I'm constantly trapped in this little glass cage. I feel confined. It's like I can look out and see the world going on around me, but I'm fixated in this one spot. I feel like I'm constantly running in circles; my feet keep moving, I'm expending loads of effort, but I'm getting absolutely nowhere. I try to be the best little gerbil I can be, but all I have to show for it is little piles of shit on top of wood shavings inside this tiny glass cage of mine.

I'm at the juncture of my life, where I don't know which direction to go. Nothing seems to be working out for me. My love life is non-existent. I'm constantly wondering what's wrong with me. I feel like the light around me, my aura if you will, is fading from bright, vivid light, to black. I feel the energy- and the hope- being sucked away from my spirit. I'm constantly wondering, praying, questioning, hoping. Wondering how long things are going to suck for me. Praying for God to send me love, strength, and happiness. Questioning what mistakes I've made, and how I can change things. Hoping- desperately- for things to start getting better. I want to be a better mom, a more confident woman, a happy person. I feel like everyone around me is finding happiness, while I'm just left in the dust. It's at moments like this, when I realize how truly lucky I am in many ways. I have my health, a wonderful son, and goals which will soon be accomplished, like graduating college and being a teacher. While that's all well and good, it's not enough. I want more. I want joy. I want more true friends. Right now, I can count them on one hand, with a few fingers to spare. I want love. I want a happy ending. Or at least a content one. I just don't know what to do anymore. It's like my best just isn't good enough.

I found a quote a few weeks ago that I've never heard before, but one that really inspired me. "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." Maybe I need to put all of my effort into creating the life I want, rather than just hoping and praying for it. But...how do I do that?

I'm tired of being single!

What is it about me? How come any guy I meet either likes me as "just a friend", or simply wants to have sex with me occasionally without committment? I'm not the booty call type, ok?! I want true love. So....why is it that the only guys who show the least bit of interest want nothing more than meaningless sex completely void of any feelings or emotions? I don't care how pathetic it sounds, but I'm tired of being alone. I want someone to love who will love me back.

"He Didn't Mean It"

Microfiction, a.k.a. the short short story, a.k.a. flash fiction, is one of my favorite genres of literature. I first learned about it in a fiction writing class I took at Meramec back in 2004. Typically, a microfiction piece consists of less than 1,000 words, but some consist of just a few. For example, a Hemingway microfiction piece is simply this:
"For sale: baby shoes, never worn."
Only six words, but so descriptive, engaging, and full of different possible interpretations.

Anyway, microfiction is a great way to teach writing, and in particular, the importance of effective word choice, so I will MOST DEFINITELY be using this next semester with the kids at Sumner.

Just for the hell of it, I guess I'll post a microfiction piece I wrote for that fiction writing class. It's in desperate need of revision, but who cares. It's been done for four years- I'm not going to bother changing it now. I usually write in long, flowing, descriptive sentences, but I remember that it was nice to try something new, something outside of my usual writing routine. The thing I really like about this story is that it's written in the second person- very rare for fiction. The subject matter is subtle, but intense, and while it's only semi-autobiographical, it really touches me for some reason.

Readjust your twisted skirt. Tame your tousled hair. Wipe the tear from your rosy cheek and gather your composure. Sit up straight. Cross your legs. Be a woman. Ignore the fact that this is the third time this week. Pretend you’re not bothered. Push back the anger and silence the voices inside your head. Force those blistered lips into a smile. Tell him you’re sorry. Pretend to know what you’re sorry about. It’s not his fault. You should have known. Let him hug you. Hug him back. Don’t let him see your look of disgust. Let him kiss you. Kiss him back. Keep yourself from biting his tongue. Cook him dinner. Make his favorite dish. Grab a cold beer from the fridge. Watch him eat. You better clean up right away. He’s had a hard day. Rub his shoulders. Make him feel at ease. Turn on the ballgame. Light his cigar. Excuse yourself. Do his laundry. Iron his clothes. Put his children to bed. Ask him if he needs anything. Be attentive. Run your bathwater. Scrub well; he likes you clean. Shave your legs. Wax your bikini line. Paint your nails. Apply a pretty shade of pink lipstick. Cover that bruise. Get in bed and wait for him to join you. When he does, fulfill his needs. Don’t be selfish. He’s had a hard day. Don’t make him mad. Don’t be too needy. Don’t cry. Don’t ask him why. Don’t hold it against him. After all, he didn’t mean it.

Surrounded by morons.

It just dawned on me, that after titling this blog, I seem to be in a rather negative mood lately. I usually refer to myself as a compassionate, sympathetic, optimistic person in a world of cynics, but lately, I'm just fed up. Fed up with the way society is heading down the fucking tubes, fed up with the fact that it seems no one behaves as if they have the teeniest bit of morals or values, and to be blunt, I'm fed up with complete and utter stupidity.

Take the above picture, for example. I was doing my grocery shopping at Shop 'n Save the other night. As I was strolling along the meat aisle, I noticed this banner they had hung over the deli meats. The whole thing (was supposed to) read, "United We Stand". Instantly, I noticed that it instead read, "Unitd We Stand". They forgot the fucking E! How big of a moron do you have to be to misspell "united", a word that is in the name of our freaking country for crying out loud.

Seriously. I don't know how some people manage to exist. I'm no genius or anything, but at least I know the proper uses of words like "you're" and "your". And I manage to comprehend the whole "there", "their", "they're" phenomenon. What the fuck is wrong with people?

What is wrong with the world?....

I'm so sickened. So disgusted. So utterly nauseated. I just finished watching the news, and the celebrity gossip show, "TMZ", just came on. I despise people who absolutely idolize celebrities. (Ok, I know I'm completely obsessed with Denzel, but that's where I draw the line). I'm referring to all those nutjobs out there who read "People" religiously. These are the same people who actually give a flying fuck about who's dating who, where so-and-so gets their coffee, and worst of all....people who watch shows like "The Hills". I am proud to say that I have never subjected myself to actually sitting down and watching an episode of this "reality" show, but I was forced to sit through "Laguna Beach" a few times. Thanks, Julie. Anyway, so I understand the premise, and what completely baffles me is how people are actually entertained by watching rich, sheltered, clueless, airhead snobs bitch and bicker about mundane, superficial bullshit. Who the fuck are these Heidi and Spencer bozos?!?! And why the fuck are they famous?!?! Why the fuck do they have papparazzi following them?!?! Why????? I simply do not understand. Who are the morons in this country actually supporting this nonsense????? It is an absolute disgrace that these numbskulls, who contribute absolutely NOTHING to society, are admired and idolized for doing nothing more than broadcasting their drama on national television. People who actually enjoy this shit seriously need a reality check...and their heads examined, because apparently, several million brain cells are missing.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not completely opposed to celebrity admiration. It's fantastic when young kids have someone to look up to, to admire. It seems to me, however, that the celebrities being idolized today are virtual worthless pieces of shit, who again, contribute absolutely nothing to society. The fake breasted sluts on "The Girls Next Door", Miley Cyrus (who at age 15 stripped naked and posed for photos wearing nothing more than a fucking sheet), and these "Hills" dumbasses are who our young people are looking to as role models?!?!?! What is wrong with this picture?!?! No wonder so many girls are becoming raging sluts. And the boys of this generation pay more respect to gang banging rappers than to any worthwhile celebrities. What happened to the Michael Jordans, Martin Luther Kings, and Malcolm X's of the world? People who actually deserve admiration are ignored, thanks mostly to this whole "sex sells" bullshit.

I am so fucking fed up. I really am. Society is so fucked up, and the scary part is, it's only going to get worse.

The only good thing about "TMZ" is that they actually poke fun of celebrities, making fun of them every chance they get. But, they are still perpetuating all of this nonsense by following around all these fucking non-celebrities with their fucking cameras. So really, they're just adding to the problem. I wish time could turn back a few decades and people would focus on shit that really counts instead of wasting so much time, effort, and energy on worthless wastes of skin like the Lindsay Lohans and Paris Hiltons of the world.

I want to move to Kenya and live in a little tiny straw hut, just so I never have to see or hear about any of these fucking shitheads again.

I'm Old Now.

Today was Alex's first day of summer school (which he actually WANTED to sign up for). The city of St. Louis has provided the transportation, so I sent him off for his very first school bus ride. He was excited; I was a nervous wreck! And when the bus drops him off this afternoon, I'll still be at work, so he'll be walking the 2 blocks home, and letting himself inside. AGHH!!!!! He's a smart kid, and he clearly understands the rules, but as a mommy, I can't help but feel nervous. He'll be here by himself for an hour at the most, but just knowing that my baby is now a little boy who is semi-independent is weird. And it makes me feel very very old. :(

Total Surprise

I just got home a few minutes ago, and what do I find when I open my door? A very official-looking letter from the Missouri Child Support Enforcement agency. I eagerly ripped open the envelope to discover a check, made out to me, in the amount of $442.00! I'm assuming this is Alex's dad's tax refund that the government intercepted like they did a few years ago. June 2005 was the last time I received a SINGLE DIME from him for the support of our son, so seeing this check three years later was indeed a blessing. Granted, $442 barely makes a dent in the more than $40,000 I am owed in back child support, but it's certainly better than nothing. Now I can pay my electric bill (in full), fill up my gas tank, and take Alex to Chuck E. Cheese, which he has been begging me to do.
This is just one more example of proof that faith and prayer do work! I've been asking God to help me financially, and this past month I've been working more hours at Hollywood Tan, I received a few hundred dollars for my birthday, the shithead who owes me $450 paid me back, and now this. I am so happy....and thankful....

Sundays...

Sundays are a weird day for me; they always have been. I remember dreading Sundays when I was a kid. It marks that weird transition from the fun weekend to the start of a new (long) school week, or in this case, work week. I remember being utterly and completely bored out of my skull almost every Sunday. And nothing good is ever on TV. At least on the weekdays, if I'm watching TV in the middle of the day, I can always turn to "The Price is Right", or amuse myself by watching idiots on "Jerry Springer", or tune in to reruns of "Dawson's Creek"...something! All I've seen this morning is boring Sunday news programs talking about the Clinton/Obama drama, real estate shows showcasing houses I can't afford, and japanimation (however you spell it) cartoons- none of which I have the slightest desire to watch. Normally I would lounge on my sectional, flipping through the cable channels which usually have something entertaining to choose from, but now that the Wii has arrived, Alex has taken over my big screen in the living room. I'm barracaded to my room if I want to watch TV, which only has the most basic of basic channels- 2, 4, 5, 9, 11, and 30. I've blogged, I've Myspaced, I've Facebooked, I've e-mailed, and I've Youtubed. What else is there to do?

It doesn't seem like there's as much to do on Sundays. Stores close earlier, places like the zoo and the Science Center are absolutely packed (I avoid big crowds as often as possible), and I just feel like Sunday is my designated "lazy day". Sometimes it's nice to know that I can just chill and relax one day out of the week. I can sleep in, read a good book, watch a movie, take a bubble bath, paint my nails...but as I grow older I'm finding that when I don't have a big long agenda for the day full of "to do" lists, I just don't know what to do with myself. Sadly, I'm looking forward to Monday so I can get back to work and actually keep myself busy.

My "plans" for today? I'm going to work out, of course, since I'm into this whole new routine thing that I'm doing, I'm going to go tanning (not really because I want to, but because I have nothing better to do), and I'm going to wash the dishes. Exciting, exciting stuff. I'll probably take Alex to the park, maybe chat on the phone, and give myself a pedicure. The problem is...I'm not in the mood to do any of that! I want some excitement! Screw it- maybe we'll drive over to Carlyle Lake or out to Innsbrook for a picnic and an afternoon of swimming. But, then again, gas prices are freaking ridiculous and I'm broke! Ughhhh.... I just hate Sundays.

Normally, I'd be going to church right about now, which helps me feel fulfilled (and another plus- it kills about 3 hours. My church's service is VERYVERYVERYVERY long). But, I've decided to find a new church. First of all, it's all the way out in Ferguson, which is about a 25 minute drive. (Again, the gas prices). Mostly, however, it's because it's the same church my ex goes to. The congregation is very small- about 30 people- so it's not like I can just avoid him by disappearing into the crowd. I've gone to some great lengths to make sure I never have to see him again, so being forced to be in the same room with him every Sunday kind of defeats the purpose. I got a new phone number, mostly so he can't contact me. Anyway, I really enjoyed that church, but I think it's more important right now to make sure I have zero contact with that man.

Anyway, I've got to find a new hobby or something.

LOVE IT!

This song isn't brand new or anything, but I find myself listening to it over, and over, and over again. I absolutely LOVE it!!! I don't even consider myself much of a Nickelback fan, but this song just sends chills down my spine. :) I love how they can "rock out" with guitars and drums, but still create a beautifully soft, romantic love song.

May 28, 2008

Besides a (very) long and uneventful day at work, today was pretty nice. The weather was absolutely gorgeous, Alex's baseball practice went well, I had a delicious blackened salmon salad for dinner, and we finished the evening hitting balls at the driving range. It was pretty fun- I think Alex and I will start going on a regular basis so we can actually start to improve. Alex and I (sadly) are on about the same skill level, so we have some work to do. I guess I wasn't so bad, considering I haven't hit a golf ball since I was 12. (The infamous day in which I went golfing with my aunt and uncle and completely annihilated the landscaping of their country club with the golf cart). Anyway, I was by no means good, but some of my hits were fairly decent. I think I'll take this up as a hobby for the summer and try to get a bit better. That way, if I ever go to Pebble Beach with my family, I won't be a complete embarrassment.

Speaking of balls, this girl from work is forming a volleyball team to play every week at the Stratford. That should be alot of fun, so I'm definitely looking forward to that. Good thing the league isn't all that competitive, because I haven't played volleyball since high school. I was on the volleyball team in 8th grade, but considering that was a LONG time ago, I think my skills have pretty much dissipated. Also, considering I'm only five feet tall, I'm not exactly a star player. Oh well, it'll be fun anyway.

Wow- this day went by really fast. The past few days have been so busy; I'm looking forward to spending a nice evening at home tomorrow, getting my schedule back on track. I was doing awesome with the whole working out thing, but it's hard to stick to a routine when I've had all this stuff going on- it'll be nice to get back on track tomorrow...

Deliciousness

Alex and I had Red Lobster tonight. Vince gave me a gift card for my birthday, knowing how much I adore shrimp, so we thought we'd get out of the house for a nice dinner. I wanted to order something new; never once in my life have I ordered fish in a restaurant (I'm not a huge fan), but the older I get, the different flavors I used to despise are actually becoming quite good. So I ordered salmon, which came with shrimp, broccoli, and wild rice pilaf. I was in heaven- quite possibly one of the best meals I've ever had. Seriously. It was good enough to write a blog about, so that's gotta say something. I even took a picture of it, that's how tasty it was. :)

My "To Do" List

I've always considered making my "Life's To Do List". Back in senior year, my friend Jon Hensley and I each made one, but I didn't put a whole lot of thought or energy into it. Well, now that I am 8 years older and wiser, I'm going to try again. I've lived, loved, learned, and I think I now know what I truly want to accomplish before I die.

1. I want to meet and marry someone wonderful. Someone with an incredibly witty, sweet, charming, laidback personality, a sense of humor, a strong work ethic, and the desire to be a wonderful husband and father. I want to fall madly in love and stay that way for the rest of my life. I want to have the "white picket fence" kind of life, and someone to share that same dream with.

2. I want to go to Africa. I want to lounge on the coast of Egypt, visit the pyramids, see wild animals roaming free as God intended, and explore the exotic wilderness.

3. Speaking of vacationing, I want to go on a cruise. I've always fantasized about setting out to sea, exploring foreign islands, and sunbathing next to the pool by day and partying it up by night. I want to go on one of those all inclusive cruises through the Caribbean or Mediterranean, with someone special, of course. Maybe on my honeymoon?

4. This one is pretty simple, but I would love to be able to return library books on time. No matter what I get, how long I have, or how many times I drive past the library, I never return them on time, and I always have the fines to prove it.

5. I've never had a professional pedicure or massage...and I want them!!! I want to set aside one entire day to pamper myself. I also want to try this aromatherapy thing. I just want one day- just for me- to devote to complete and utter relaxation.

6. I want to get a really nice telescope. Alex dreams of being an astronaut, and I've always been totally fascinated by the night sky, so I would love to explore space through the lens of a really good telescope.

7. I want to sit in the front row of a late night talk show- preferably Leno or Conan. (The icing on the cake would be on a night when Denzel Washington was the guest).....

8. I want to own a sailboat. Growing up, my parents had a really nice sailboat- a 20 footer maybe- that we would take to Carlyle Lake every summer. I want to give my kids these same memories.

9. I want to buy a weekend/summer/beach house; just somewhere I can go to escape. Whether it's a house in Florida or on Myrtle Beach, or even a cabin at Innsbrook, I would love to have the opportunity to enjoy quiet weekends or summers away from the noisy, smoggy city.

10. This one is a given, but I want to meet Denzel Washington- somehow, some way.

11. I want to live on the edge a little more; I want to work up the nerve to go skydiving. I want to learn to waterski, and even parasail. I just want to get out and feel the adrenaline rushing a little more often.

12. I want (at least) one future student of mine to come back years after graduation, a successful member of society, and have me to thank for it. Without being the kind of teacher who inspires and changes lives, what's the point?

13. I want to reconnect with my father. We haven't spoken in 8 years, and I would love to soon be able to re-establish a relationship and meet my new family- stepmom, and little stepbrother and stepsister, Seth and Zoey. I feel that part of me is missing when I don't have contact with that entire half of my family. I want to do this before it's too late; my Grandma Jewel was always there for me while I was growing up, and I want to be there for her before it's too late.

14. I want to run a marathon.

15. I want to take a pottery class.

16. I want to learn to ballroom dance, salsa, tango... any dance that would be fun and different.

17. I want to learn how to play tennis or golf. Technically, I already know how to play, but I suck.

18. When the Titans make the superbowl, I want to be there cheering them on.

19. I want to go to L.A. and visit the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I want to place my hands inside the prints of Denzel's.

20. I want to join the Mile-High Club, a.k.a. have sex on an airplane.

21. Speaking of clubs, I want to start a book club, where other people with similar interests and I can gather once a month and discuss good literature over a few bottles of wine.

22. I would love to actually, fairly and squarely, beat someone in a game of pool.

23. My teeth are pretty white, but I'd like to get them professionally whitened. I've just never done it and always wanted to.

24. I really have no desire to go to Paris, but I would love to visit the Louvre and have my picture taken in front of the Eiffel Tower.

25. Last, but not least, (for now), I want to have one of those seemingly perfect houses, like the ones from the pages of "Better Homes & Gardens"- beautifully decorated, a massive backyard with a pool and fountain, surrounded by flowers and flawless landscaping.

Blog time!

It has recently been brought to my attention that, once again, I'm starting to slip on the whole blogging thing. I'm trying to be as consistent as possible, so I'm going to take a few moments just to reflect on the past week.

First of all, including tonight, I've worked 40 hours this week at Hollywood Tan. Ok, I understand that most people work that much every week, but I'm just not used to it! I guess if you added up all my time at school with my part time status at HT, it was equivalent to 40 hours per week, but actually working there all week has me exhausted! Keep in mind, I don't sit down for a single second while I'm working- not once. (Well, except when I have to pee, of course). So my feet are aching and I really need a massage on these little feeties of mine! So anyway, besides that, I've just been doing the usual: watching my shows (the season finales of all my favorites- American Idol, Grey's Anatomy, and Desperate Housewives). Well, I wouldn't say Desperate Housewives is one of my favorite shows, but I recently got back into it, and I have to admit, it is pretty entertaining. I particularly like how Tom's psychotic daughter Kayla called DFS on Lynnette, and how Susan and Mike named their baby Maynard. So yeah- American Idol. It was down to the two Davids- Cook and Archuleta. I've loved D.C. since the auditions, but D.A. didn't impress me all that much until Tuesday night when he sang Elton John's "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" and on the finale when he sang "Apologize" with One Republic. After those two performances, I gained an entirely new respect for him. David Cook won, and I'm glad that someone with so much genuine talent and originality finally won this glorified karaoke contest.

Let's see....what else has been going on? Oh! I played a Wii for the first time the other night- it was pretty fun. Alex is getting one for his birthday next week, so I have a feeling mommy will be just as entertained as he will be!

Hmm...I'm sure there's more I could blab about, but it's been a looong day and I'm tired. I'm at Brian and Janet's right now, so I can't go to sleep quite yet. :( I found out they're taking a cab home, so that's not a good sign for me....they'll be out until the crack of dawn, I'm sure. Oh well, I need the money.

Alright, well, good night!
xoxo

Lifetime Movies

Ok, so the movies on the Lifetime network are not exactly Oscar-worthy, but they always seem to capture my interest, and now that I think about it, they really lift my spirits. No matter what's going on in my life, and no matter how stressed I feel or how down I am, they always make me feel better and realize that my life isn't so bad. I mean, after all, I'm not dying of anorexia, my baby wasn't stolen by some psychotic nurse, my mother wasn't murdered by her husband living a double life, and my house isn't haunted with evil spirits. These movies help me realize that things could always be worse!

Attack on Hollywood Tan!

Today at work, Lindsay and I spotted the most gigantic, grotesque spider we've ever seen in our entire lives! One minute, we're just going about our business- waiting on customers, selling lotion, sanitizing the beds...the usual. We were both standing at the counter creating a daily cleaning list for everyone when she says, "I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." So she turns to the left to head down the hallway to the bathroom. All of a sudden, she screams, saying, "Oh my God, oh my God!!!" She was totally freaking out, so I turned to her and said, "what? what happened?" She's only six months pregnant, but from the way she was acting- in total shock and fear- I thought maybe her water broke or something. She told me to look on the ground by the wall, which I did, and then I saw the gargantuan beast. So then I began freaking out. We were like, "it has flourescent legs and shit!" We thought it was some weird, poisonous breed of killer spiders. We didn't know what to do! Neither one of us was going to go within 10 feet of the thing, so we thought one of us should go next door and ask one of the guys working at Papa John's if they would come kill this humongous spider for us. While she's gone, I stood back, not taking my eyes of this thing, for fear that it would scurry away and hide somewhere. So the guy comes in, takes one look at it, and says, "oh, that's not real," then goes and picks it up off the floor. It was a fake spider. We felt kind of retarded, but it looked so real! And it just appeared seemingly from nowhere, so the thought of it being fake never even crossed our minds! The only customer that had the opportunity to plant this thing there was a really nice, sweet, middle-aged woman who I seriously doubt would be immature enough to plant a fake spider in a tanning salon merely for the purpose of freaking out the employees. We still don't know how the hell it got there, but after the fact, it was pretty damn funny.

Breaking Molds

Tonight, a "full-figured" or "plus-size" girl was crowned "America's Next Top Model"! In the real world, Whitney would probably be considered about average, but in the world of modeling, when women are expected to look more like little boys, with stick thin bodies and legs like toothpicks, no boobs, and size zero jeans, she's considered "plus-size". How sad and pathetic is that? I was so excited (and quite surprised) that this beautiful, curvacious girl actually won. It's about damn time, that's all I have to say. I am so sick of women killing themselves (literally and figuratively) because of their desire to fit into this ridiculously unrealistic, unhealthy mold. A few decades ago, soft, healthy, curvy bodies with a little meat on the bones were admired; now they get ridiculed. It's insanity. For those of us who aren't (and don't want to be) little tiny stick figures, this is a step in the right direction. I'm glad that the standard of "beauty" might become a little more flexible, like in the good old days.

Moment of Weakness

So, I'm attempting to detoxify my body. I'm not talking drastic (and quite sick) shit like cleansing my colon and drinking seaweed or whatever, but just by eating only natural foods and good-for-you stuff like chicken and rice. I've been doing really good the past couple of days. Today for breakfast, I had some blackberries and strawberries, for lunch I had salad (just lettuce, spinach leaves, and tomatoes), and for dinner I had a delicious chicken breast cooked on my George Foreman. Alex wanted macaroni and cheese, however, so I grabbed a box from the cabinet and cooked it for him. As I was stirring in the cheese, it looked so good! Warm and steamy, cheesy and gooey. I had three bites...and now I feel bad about it...Talk about horrible food! I mean, tons of carbs, not to mention the extremely unnatural processed orange substance they refer to as "cheese". I wanted to not put a morsel of crap into my mouth for awhile, but then again, I suppose three bites of crap over the course of three days isn't that bad. I need more self-control.

Bless the Broken Road

I'm such a sappy, romantic person at heart, so it's no surprise that love songs are my absolute favorites. Well, I've known of this song for awhile now, but I heard Rascal Flatt's "Bless the Broken Road" on the radio both yesterday and today (on 98.1 and 102.5, I believe). Well, if you have ever felt God's hand, then you understand what it's like to feel that you're getting a sign directly from Him. Unless you don't know me at all, you know that I'm a little bummed about being without "the one" at the moment. I get frustrated, but I felt a sign from God both times I heard this song. First of all, the lyrics seem to define my life and my voyage to my one true love. Now I just need to find the "you" the song refers to!

I want to....

...go hiking through a beautiful forest, one with sun-drenched leaves, dew covered grass, a rainbow of colorful wild flowers, and the sounds of birds singing and insects buzzing all around me. I want to explore nature and enjoy a day away from the bustling city. I want to lay (or is it lie?) beneath the canopy of trees, becoming one with Earth. I want eat some juicy watermelon, close my eyes, and drift to sleep with the peaceful, serene noises of nature as my lullaby.
It's been so long since I've done something like this. My day, like most others I'm sure, consists of ringing alarm clocks, traffic jams, long days at work, and the monotonous duties of daily life. I want to escape. Just for awhile.

English, motherfucker!

I just checked my grades online- I ended up with a 98.3% in my History of the English Language class. That's freaking awesome because I worked my ass off in that class, and it paid off. Although, I must admit, I'm so glad it's over and I never ever ever have to study the Great Vowel Shift of Early Modern English or diphthongy functional loads or the morphological characteristics of Old English. NEVER again!!! Woo hoo! After learning all this bullshit, it'll be a piece of cake to teach subject/verb agreement and prepositional phrases to a bunch of high school kids. I was a little nervous about that before, but now that I know way more than I ever wanted to know about the English language, I'm not worried at all. I'm excited. No, ecstatic! I feel relieved, accomplished, happy- all that good stuff.

Addicted

Well, I went about 15 hours or so without a sip of Diet Coke. I think I'm addicted, but hey, it's better than some things I can think of. At least I'm not an alcoholic, drug addict, or chain smoker. I've smoked maybe 20 cigarettes in the past 2 months, which is definite progress. And the only reason I ever smoked those was because I was drinking (it's still hard not to smoke when I drink), and a couple times at work with my co-workers. That's more of a social thing, though, not a need to feed my addiction. I'm definitely not addicted to nicotine; I never was actually, so I'm not sure why I ever smoked to begin with. Maybe I'll just cut back on the soda. A little bit never hurt anybody.

Detox Time

I decided today that I'm going to stop eating all unhealthy foods for awhile. Fast food, candy, processed foods, and even my beloved Diet Coke are now things of the past...at least for the next couple of months. I'm not going to go crazy and eat soy and tofu and all that nonsense, but I just want to detox my body for awhile. I don't know if I can do without the Diet Coke- that's the only part I'm having trouble with. I'll see how it goes with that, I guess, but I'll try! I've been drinking Diet Coke, Diet Pepsi, Pepsi One, and every other calorie-free cola you can imagine since I was about 12. The longest I've gone without it in those (almost) 14 years is 3 days- and that was just about 2 months ago. I know I could do it if I absolutely had to, but why deprive myself of something that I love so dearly?
It's so complicated making the right food choices sometimes. I wish I just had a private chef who would just cook all my meals for me. Why can't life be that simple?

"Welcome to the Dollhouse"

If you have not seen this movie, do yourself a favor: drive to Blockbuster, rent this movie, and microwave yourself a big bag of buttery popcorn. This movie is a bit Indie, pretty funny, and just all-around strange.

Heaven...

Summer is coming. I can't wait to sit beside Creve Coeur lake, drinking margaritas, eating some raspberries, and playing the guitar. Add parasailing to that and I'd be in heaven...

Dating Sites?

I've been wondering: do all those dating websites work? It seems like every five seconds I see a commercial for Match.com, eharmony, or those pathetic local "dating" sites and toll free numbers that show some hot chick rolling around on her couch having the best phone conversation of her life with a complete stranger. I'm just wondering who has actually had real success with any of those personals sites? I'm just curious. Apparently this one couple from an episode of "Trading Spouses" met on match.com, so I guess there are some success stories.

Anyway, I'm afraid I'm starting to sound really freaking pathetic, but I swear I'm not! I'm just lonely...and frustrated...and wondering when I'm going to meet him! I miss the simple things a relationship has to offer, like cuddling up with someone to watch a movie, holding hands, doing sweet, considerate things for someone I care about. A huge part of who I am consists of what I'm able to do for other people. I feel incomplete when I don't have someone special in my life to do things for, even simple things like make dinner or comfort him after a long day at work.

Oh well. Enough of that talk. I'm starting to annoy myself. I guess whatever's meant to be, will be, and that's it.