Today and yesterday were better than the day before, but I'm still feeling a little bit....well, actually, I don't even know the word for it. Sad? Depressed? Lonesome? Confused? Angry? I don't know. I had a conversation with Richard over the weekend, which was a huge mistake and spawned this damn discombobulation that I'm suffering from at the moment. I don't even want to get into it because it's completely pointless, and I feel stupid for even taking his call and putting myself in this position. I just don't understand how he can say the things he says and do the things he does. Once again, I have to remind myself that the only thing left to do is never, never, ever, ever talk to him again. In some ways it makes me really sad because he was my best friend and all that crap for a long time, and now I know that my only option is to move on with my life and leave him completely behind. I have to remember that he is my past, and I have to be ready for a future without Richard.
I know I'm going to sound like a horrible person right now, but I can't help but admit that it has been weighing heavily on my mind. I am so incredibly happy for my friends (and family, for that matter), who have been lucky enough to find someone that they want to spend the rest of their lives with. I love them all dearly, and while I'm very happy for them, I can't deny that their happiness reminds me of how unhappy I am, how lonely I am, and how damn tired I am of watching everyone else find happiness, leaving me in the dust, by myself. Jason is getting married in September, Jamey and Melody are getting married in October, my brother Jered, and my best friend Julie are both getting married next summer. Colleen just got engaged, and all of my friends are in seemingly healthy, committed, long-term relationships. Again, while I'm extremely glad the people I love have found love, what the fuck?! Even my mom, whose husband died 9 months ago, has a new boyfriend. I feel so completely and utterly alone.
I've been thinking more about my move to the East Coast. I researched jobs and houses online, and I'm planning a Spring Break road trip for me and Alex to check out the different areas of Charleston. When I think about it, I get excited. I really think I need a new start. But at the same time, I know that part of my reason for wanting to move is to escape the constant reminders of how damn happy everyone I know is. I don't want to be constantly surrounded by couples. All it does is remind me of how badly I want meet the right person and settle down. I rationalize to myself the fact that I'll be in a completely new city, starting a new life, and therefore, there will be a legitimate reason for me to be by myself. When I psychoanalyze myself, I come to the conclusion that if I move, being so lonely won't hurt so bad. It hurts so bad now because I'm constantly surrounded by people, but I am still lonely. All the time.
Ugh!!!! I don't know. I'm just so sick and tired of this feeling.
Well, maybe my life is currently in a complete whirlwind of confusion, but at least Gordon Ramsay is on tv. That will ease my mind for at least a little while.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Your Mom--ouch. Very, very ouch.
That would depress me too. I can come cheer you up. When are you free this week?
I think that if you move and leave everyone behind, including the "happy" people. You will truly be alone. You have people around you who care about you. I know you are searching for a love but you would be leaving behind friends and a support system to go off and start somewhere new, alone. I don't claim to know your problems but I would think friendship and support here, would be better than neither somewhere else.
Post a Comment