Happy Endings

I've been thinking about my birthday. I turn the big 2-6 on May 17- less than two months away. I know that in the scheme of things, 26 is young, but I feel like I'm getting so old, so fast. I'm still in college (although, this is my last semester), I'm single, my biological clock is ticking (just a little), and I have yet to buy a house of my own. I should revise part of my last statement; I'm not itching to have more kids right this very moment, but I would like to have one or two more within the next 8 years or so. That doesn't sound like much of a time crunch, except for the fact that I am single, and who knows when I will be in a healthy, stable, long-term relationship. That is, after all, the first step. One thing I know for sure is that I want the white-picket-fence type of life. Sometimes I think that the choices and decisions I have made have ended my hopes for a life like that, that I will be perpetually and hopelessly single, that my destiny has become- and always will be- to be a single mom to Alex. Well you know what? Fuck that! I deserve the kind of life I want and have envisioned for myself since I was a kid. I deserve to have a happy ending.

My brother is getting married next year- June 2009. MY brother- the man who always said (and truly believed) that he would never ever ever get married. He's been with Katie for 11 years, with no ring to occupy her finger, and then one day he had an epiphany. He proposed, and soon I will be the only person in my family to be unmarried. That's a little depressing. I thought for sure I'd be married off before Jered, but life is full of surprises.

I don't know why I've been thinking about this so much lately. Maybe because I've been single for so long (besides the whole Richard debacle, of course), and I'm just finding it hard to envision myself with "that special someone". Who is he? Do I already know him? If not, when will I meet him? What does he look like? What is his name? All these questions keep filling my head and are driving me crazy! I want to dedicate my life to the person God has chosen for me. I hate to admit it, but I'm getting impatient.

What adds to my frustration a little is that growing up, I was the girl with the boyfriends. I was hardly ever single. I had my first boyfriend when I was in third grade. Kevin Ross (a fifth grader) and I were pretty hot and heavy, considering we were just kids. I fell in love for the first time, had sex for the first time, felt complete for the first time when I was just 14. I was in a long-term relationship with Johnnie and had Alex when I was 19. And in between all of that, I can't remember being on my own, completely single for more than a month or two at a time. Most of my friends were single throughout my adolescence, so I think it's extra hard to deal with the fact that now as an adult, I'm the one who's single. I'm not comparing myself to others, but it's just interesting how things turn out. At the rate I was going, I should've (and probably could've) been married 5 years ago. But, at least I was smart enough to not go against my gut. I do know people- plenty of them- who get married for the completely wrong reasons. Even though I'm single, at least I am comforted by the fact that I never settled, and never will.

Part of me also wants a dad for Alex. I'm not looking for a man just to fill that position because trust me, I am perfectly capable of raising him on my own. I've been doing it for the past six years. But, having a positive, consistent male role model in my son's life would be the icing on the cake. He deserves it. I didn't really have a father figure growing up; I want my son to have better. My son is- and will grow up to be- something truly amazing. He is incredibly gifted, talented, athletic, funny, resilient, and compassionate. He is the greatest gift I ever could have asked for, and I want to give him everything that he deserves, including a life with two parents to love and care for him.

I know I just need to stay strong, stay positive, and remain optimistic. God wants me to be completely and totally prepared for the person he has planned for me. I'm trying to live life with the expectancy He wants me to have, but I have to admit that at times, it's hard! Sometimes I'm tired of being patient and hopeful while everyone around me seems to be already falling in love and living the life they've always dreamed of. Sometimes I just want to ask, "why not me?!" But, my life does not go according to my schedule- I have to keep that in mind.