Dulce et Decorum Est

Perhaps the greatest war poem of all time. I love the last line: Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori. Or, how sweet and fitting it is to die for one's country.
I don't know how much I agree with it though. The poem is clearly critical and pessimistic towards war, which I agree with, but at the same time, there is no greater hero than a veteran of war. My attitude towards war is equally as undecided as my attitude towards capital punishment. Sometimes, I think that "an eye for an eye" is the proper punishment for murderers, but who has the right to decide who lives and who dies? Besides God, that is. I can't think of anything more inhumane than locking someone away and letting them sit there and rot, just waiting to die. But then again, they weren't humane to their victims, so why should they deserve any better? I don't know. I just don't know. Anyway, today is Jon's service at Jefferson Barracks National Cemetery. I guess I'm feeling all patriotic. Even though this poem is hardly supportive of the armed forces, it is indeed the greatest poem of war ever written.

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of disappointed shells that dropped behind.

GAS! Gas! Quick, boys!-- An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And floundering like a man in fire or lime.--
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,--
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.

Pix

The past two weeks I've had so much going on with Jon's passing, that I haven't had any time for football. Now that life is starting to get a little bit more back to normal, it's time for picks.

Browns over Ravens
Chargers over Jaguars
Eagles over Dolphins
Vikings over Raiders
Colts over Chiefs
Packers over Panthers
Giants over Lions
Bucs over Falcons
Bengals over Cardinals
Saints over Texans
Jets over Steelers
Bears over Seahawks
Rams over 49ers (I still can't believe the Rams actually beat the Saints last week)
Cowboys over Redskins
Patriots over Bills (Although I despise Tom Brady and the Patriots)

For Monday, you KNOW I gotta take my team, the Titans, over the Broncos.

Gotta dry my hair now. Getting ready for church. :)

Killing Time...

It's Friday morning, and while I still have tons to do, I'm thankful that the weekend has (almost) arrived. Right now I'm at Sumner High School. Thanks to someone's brilliant idea to hang stoplights on Kingshighway during morning rush hour, I arrived here in between class periods, so now I'm hanging out waiting for the bell to ring. I signed in and noticed several familiar names; this dude named Amos from my Ed. Psych and Inclusive Ed. classes is here observing, and this chick from my Practical Criticism class last Fall is here too. I love observing. I love watching actual teachers in action, and critiquing them. It really has helped me be a better teacher. Just as often as I see positive, effective teaching strategies that I want to implement myself, I see not-so-great things. That way, I can also reflect on things I won't do and don't want to incorporate into my teaching. I taught my lesson last night in Instructional Methods. I did awesome! My other two "microteaches" were successful, but this one was just on a completely different level. I wasn't nervous at all, and I finally felt confident in my teaching abilities. It was on ratiocinations, which is basically a revision strategy. My teacher gave me a huge compliment. He said that teaching writing is REALLY difficult, but that my lesson was very effective, and I handled myself brilliantly. He said my questioning techniques were right on, and when one of my classmates came in late, I did a superb job of handling it. I know that I'm a pretty good sub, but this was the first time I felt like an actual teacher with actual skills. What an awesome feeling. Well, I just have about ten minutes left, so I better wrap this up. I'm so glad it's Friday, and I'm ecstatic that Thanksgiving is almost here. I love being with my family. My family is pretty small. It's just me, mom, my brother and his fiance, my two sets of aunts and uncles- Jean & Bob, Dan & Debbie, my cousin Brian and his wife Janet and their three boys- Michael, Jack, and Ben, my cousin Jamey, his fiance Melody, and his two kids, Camille and Kelsey. I'm planning on making another Thanksgiving speech. My family still hasn't let me forget about the last one. I was a little tipsy, I admit, but my ramblings about family togetherness and all that crap made my mom and aunt Jean cry, so it had to have been good. Yeah- that speech earned me the title of "dysfunctional family member". Oh well. I'll be more prepared this time, and maybe I won't drink an entire bottle of wine beforehand. Anyway, time to go.

Andie McDowell: Please Retire

My brain has reached its limit. I just wrote three, count them, three papers (7 pages each), completed two online quizzes, and now I'm reading a LONG short story about something that is insanely wordy and annoyingly over-detailed. Generally, I'd be much more appreciative of such literature (the author, Edith Wharton, I really enjoy), but it's 1:00 am and I really just want to go to bed. And tomorrow's no better. I have to write three freakin' lesson plans and another paper. I'm counting down the minutes to Thanksgiving break (which, for me, officially begins Thursday evening at 8). I keep thinking that it will finally offer me some relief from the endless piles of homework that consume me, but alas, I will continue to be bombarded by assignments that I honestly couldn't give a shit less about. My Thanksgiving break will be spent writing four papers, three lesson plans, and reading yet another novel. I'm due for a vacation. If I don't get to Florida for Spring break, I think I'm going to lose my mind. I'm chain smoking and chugging gallons of diet pepsi all in an attempt to get through this dreadful night. Oh great, now Andie McDowell, a.k.a. the most annoying woman in history, is on my tv. And I'm too freakin' stiff from sitting in this chair to get up and grab the remote. I don't quite know what grudge I hold against this woman, but ever since she was in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" with that ridiculously short, frizzy hairdo, she makes my skin crawl.

Rest In Peace

I've been contemplating if my stepdad's death is appropriate material for an online blog, but this is pretty much my only venue for expressing my emotions, so I suppose it's ok. Jon passed away on Friday, right at noon. My mom called me at 12:27 to tell me that he was gone. I was driving down Lucas and Hunt to Highway 70, and cried all the way to my mom's house in Webster. I didn't know what to think, feel, or do. I still don't. My faith allows me to believe that he is indeed in a better place, but it's still so hard! When I got to my mom's house, I walked to the bathroom to cry in peace. I'm not really into public displays of affection, so I'm definitely not into public displays of sadness. On my way there, I saw him in the room, in his bed. I wasn't expecting that. I didn't know he was still in the house. It was a sight that shocked me, but at the same time helped give me some closure. So sitting on the toilet, my head in my hands, I spot his hospital bracelet laying on top of a pile of tissue in the trash can. It's weird, but I snatched it up and slipped it into my pocket. I guess it's something to keep to remember him by. Well, I'm sure I'll keep something more meaningful, like one of his badges from when he served in Vietnam, or one of his beloved Swiss Army knives, or perhaps his harmonica or something else of significant sentimental value. But I like the idea of keeping the bracelet because his name is on it. I can't believe that age 50, my mom is a widow. The pain I feel in my heart for her, I just can't explain. I'm hurting unbelievably, so I can't begin to even process how she must be feeling. My mom and Jon met in middle school, dated through high school, and went their separate ways when Jon went to Vietnam. The both married other people, each had two kids, and then miraculously reconnected in the late 80s. They dated again for a few years, and got married. I was the flower girl. Everyone there says it was the best wedding they've ever been to. It was held at my aunt's house, the band kicked ass, it started pouring rain, and everyone just kept on dancing all night in the rain. My parents were (are) so fun; they loved bar-b-que's, camping, fishing at Innsbrook, and hanging out with their great group of friends. To my parents, there was simply nothing better than sitting on the deck with ice cold beer in the cooler and the Allman Brothers, Eric Clapton, and Bob Dylan blaring from the speakers. I'm really going to miss coming over and seeing them shooting the breeze about nothing in particular. I'll miss the way Jon looked at my mom, with the most loving, adoring eyes I've ever seen. He loved her with all of his heart. If anyone, my mom is definitely most deserving of that kind of unconditional love.
Jon came into my life when I was in 2nd grade. My dad was (and still is) gone from my life. When my parents divorced, he chose to move back to his hometown, and apparently, has never looked back. Jon provided my brother and I with a life we never would have otherwise known. My mom has always been an incredibly hard worker, and over the years has managed to move up the corporate ladder and is now a prominent, influential manager of a department at Missouri Baptist Medical Center. But without Jon's college education and great job at Maritz, we never could have lived the way we lived. While my parents never spoiled us, gave us everything our little hearts desired, or showered us with gifts, we never wanted for anything. We had a beautiful home in picturesque Webster Groves, had nice things, and never once had to struggle to have the things we needed. I thank Jon emphatically for being the only father figure I've had throughout my adolescence and adulthood. I thank Jon for taking care of my brother and I without hesitation, as if we were his own. I thank Jon for loving my mother the way she deserves to be loved.
Mom and Jon were married for 17 years. God blessed that marriage because they overcame obstacles most couples wouldn't be able to overcome. And they loved each other with the same passion and devotion as they did back at day one, when life wasn't so hard, and love didn't seem so challenging. They loved one another with all of their hearts, and I can only hope that Jon knows I loved him too.
I will never, for the rest of my life, be able to forgive myself for not seeing Jon one last time. Thursday, the night before his death, Alex and I were supposed to go over there and see him. We didn't know it would be our last opportunity, but I allowed stupid bullshit to prevent me from going over there as planned. It breaks my heart to know that he couldn't say goodbye to Alex, his only grandson. Mom told Alex yesterday that "Papa" loved him more than anything in the whole world. I wish I could go back in time and let Jon him one last time. It hurts so much to know that Jon will never see him grow up, and will never be able to see what he becomes. Alex wants to be a professional golfer like Tiger Woods. Jon taught Alex how to golf. If Alex's dream becomes realized, Jon will only be there in spirit to see it.
One thing I will never forget for the rest of my life, is the time we spent as a family at Jon's parents' house. Grandma Jean (now deceased) and Grandpa Francis (still alive and kicking), had us over every Sunday for dinner. We ate on her finest china, sipped water from crystal goblets, held hands and said grace, and spent quality time together as a family. This was the epitome of family for me; I've never before, and have never since, experienced this type of togetherness. These Sunday dinners will remain fond in my memory forever.
Speaking of Grandpa Francis, when Jon died on Friday, he said, "I'm 91 years old, and all of my boys are gone." I can't even fathom what it must feel like to outlive all three of your sons. Tim LeClair, died in Vietnam trying to save other troops after he himself had already escaped to safety. Jim LeClair, who served in the U.S. Coast Guard, died a few years ago from cancer. And now Jon, also a Vietnam veteran and wonderful man, is gone. All three now have a marker at Jefferson Barracks. Nothing is more admirable to me than a veteran (or victim) of war, and I feel proud to have known two of the bravest men our country has ever seen.
Well, this tribute, however small, is my way of saying goodbye. The funeral is tomorrow (ironically, on Veteran's Day), and I plan to present a poem for Jon along with pictures and other artifacts that represent his short life. I haven't written it yet, but I know that my love for him will be all the inspiration that I need. So I say goodbye for now, and one day we will meet again. If you're reading this, please say a short prayer for Mr. Jon LeClair, may he rest in peace.

I'm Lovin' It

Since I just posted a blog about shit that is currently annoying to me, I thought I should follow it up with something positive. After all, I try to keep my attitude and outlook on life as positive as possible.

I'm lovin' the fact that it's not absolutely freezing in my house right now. You see, my heat isn't exactly functional until Laclede Gas gets the money that they require. (Any donations would be gladly accepted and appreciated, by the way). :)

I'm lovin' my new official NFL Titans sweatshirt. It rocks.

I'm lovin' that I'm off today- from work and school. Hopefully I can get some shit done.

I'm lovin' that Alex is already awake so that I don't have to wake him up. He's a HUGE grump when he gets woken up.

I'm lovin' that I'm getting free Showtime right now so I can watch one of my favorite shows, "Dexter". Plus, all the free movies that I recorded on my DVR to save for a rainy day. Hmm...maybe I'll watch one today. I've never seen "Crash" and heard it kicked ass. Then again, any movie with Don Cheadle is guaranted to kick some major ass.

I'm lovin' that it's almost January so I can get some MONEY. Not that I can do anything but pay bills with it, but at least I'll have heat and won't have people hounding me all the time. None of which would be an issue if my son's "dad" would pay me the $35,000 he owes me in back (and current) child support. Asshole.

I'm lovin' that my house is (nearly) spotless, so I don't have to lift a finger today and instead can hit the books.

I'm lovin' my neighborhood. I'm within walking distance of two grocery stores, a dozen restaurants, my bank, 7-11 (three to be exact), parks, and perhaps most importantly, at least 10 bars. It's awesome to have everything so freakin' close.

I'm lovin' the fact that I wasn't fired from Hollywood Tan. You see, I kinda forgot (well, actually, never even knew) that I was supposed to open the store last Thursday. So, no one was there and didn't even realize I wasn't there until 3 hours after opening. Oops. I totally thought my ass was fired.

I'm lovin' God. Had to throw that one in there.

I'm lovin' the TV Land Channel. "Good Times", "Sanford and Son", "The Jeffersons". It really doesn't get much better than that. It is Dynomite!

I'm lovin' that I met someone recently who is quite possibly the sweetest person I've ever met in my entire life.

I'm lovin' that my brother found a new job that pays well and that he likes. He deserves it.

I'm lovin' that I'm FINALLY going to be a sister-in-law, and hopefully an aunt!

I'm lovin' that I'm fortunate enough to think of so many things that I'm lovin' right now.

Baffled

I'm baffled about football. I am honestly really pissed off (still) that the Patriots came back to win in the 4th quarter against the Colts. I think Tom Brady and the rest of the team are cocky bastards, and I was really hoping the Colts were going to kick their egotistical asses. And how did the Chargers take such an ass beating by the Vikings? Oh, and are the Rams going to win ANY games this season? It's not looking too good. Honestly, I hope they lose 'em all. That'd be hilarious.

I also baffled about the weather here in St. Louis. Seriously. I mean, yesterday it was 70 degrees and sunny. Today it's a high of 45 and cloudy. This is why I can't stand this city. You can't predict the weather for shit. I want to move to Seattle where it rains all the time. I love rain. Or better yet...I'm going to think even more seriously about that move to South Carolina. But seriously, I need to find out if there's actually any impoverished urban areas in South Carolina. I'm doubtful, but there has to be at least one near the beach, right?!?!?!

I'm baffled that Alex has had every single toy, video game, and privilege taken away, and he still wants to be bad at school. What more can I possibly do?! I've tried the grounding, I've tried the spanking (hard ones, I might add), and I've even tried bribing and guilting him into behaving. Nothing's working and I'm about to pull my fuckin hair out.

I'm baffled that this semester is almost over. Just 7 more of my Monday/Wednesday classes and 4 more of my once-a-week classes. Craziness.

I'm baffled that my son is so amazingly smart. Last night he showed me that he knows how to "carry" when doing addition. They don't usually teach that shit till like 3rd grade, right? Oh, and I made him do a shitload of extra "homework" last night since he wants to be like Dennis the Menace on a bad day at school. I gave him about 40 words and told him to use each one in a sentence. He came up with the cutest shit. My favorite one was when he was to use the word "good". He wrote, "There is a show called Good Times." He knows me too well.

What really baffles me is the fact that I get up at the freaking crack of dawn even when I don't have to. Back in high school, and even after Alex was born, I was the biggest sleepyhead. I loved sleeping till noon, and now, I can't fathom the idea of snoozing past 8. Weird. I guess I just realized that there's so much living (and blogging) to do that I don't want to sleep away opportunities and experiences.

I'm baffled that my house isn't swarmed with ants and roaches. I was sweeping yesterday and swept out a Pop Tart from underneath the living room radiator. A freaking Pop Tart. This thing must have been six months old because I haven't even bought Pop Tarts in the last six months.

What really baffles me, and ALWAYS has and ALWAYS will is how people misuse there/their/they're and your/you're. Even whose/who's. Come on people!!!!!! Get it right alfreakinready!!!!!!

I'm baffled that I've come up with this many stupid things to be baffled about.

NFL Picks for 11/04/07

Too bad I didn't place my picks officially last week, because I kicked ass. I think my percentage of winning picks was in the 90s.

Lions over Broncos
Falcons over 49ers
Bills over Bengals
TITANS over Panthers (Go Titans!)
Packers over Chiefs
Chargers over Vikings (Go Chargers!)
Saints over Jaguars
Jets over Redskins
Cardinals over Bucs
Seahawks over Browns
This is a TOUGH call, but I'm gonna say the Colts over Patriots (Only because I like the Colts and not the Patriots. Sorry Tom).
Texans over Raiders
Cowboys over Eagles
Steelers over Ravens Monday night

Thank God the Rams aren't playing. They've taken an ass-beating 8 solid weeks in a row. Poor guys. It's reached the point of being painful for all of us St. Louisans.

Simplicity

Sitting here, I find myself pondering my life. It's funny how quickly life changes and morphs into something entirely different than everything you've ever known, all without you even realizing it. My afternoon consisted of cleaning out Alex's closet, ironing every single piece of his clothing (which in itself took over an hour), sweeping, dusting, and making dinner. Nothing fancy by any means, just some rotini noodles with some Ragu chunky spaghetti sauce. Sitting here, listening to Alex watch "Spaceballs" (a classic I might add- yeah right), and feeling so incredibly accomplished and content, I had to laugh at myself. Since when did wrinkle-free clothes and a clean closet equal contentment? I feel like June Cleaver all of a sudden. Life definitely has had its twists and turns, up and downs, and everything in between. Life used to seem so incredibly complex, and sometimes I think it still is, but in actuality, it's so simple. I don't know, I just feel strangely at peace with everything right now. This is the kind of feeling I get when I sense the presence of God. He is here in some way or another right now, I can just feel it. It's the most indescribably wonderful feeling in the world. Nothing feels better than being at peace. Spaceballs...what the hell? May the Schwartz be with you. I can't believe that when I was a kid, I actually took this movie seriously.

When masturbation's lost its fun.....

I apologize in advance for the title. I just heard Green Day sing that line. Anywho....hmm....what's new in the life of Katie? It's Saturday. My last day of tutoring freshman at the Saturday Learning Academy was today. I wasn't too keen on devoting my Saturday mornings to it, but now that it's over I'm a little sad. I always feel all sentimental about shit. Like even though I'm ecstatic that school's almost done, I'm sad because the me/Jason/Paul triangle will be no more. We're all moving on and going our separate ways. I just get attached to the routine monotony that my life becomes and it's difficult to say goodbye to people and things.

Jon is still in the hospital in intensive care. The time has come for me to realize that he's not coming out of there, unless God were to perform some sort of miracle. He's just too far gone. He doesn't know where he is, what year it is, what's going on... nothing. This sucks. There's nothing I can do now except pray. It's really hard for me to deal with. All I can do is try and go about my daily life as usual. I feel bad, but I think it's the only way for me to deal with it. Otherwise I'd probably be too depressed to even get out of bed. It sounds horrible, but the only thing I can think to do is try not to think about how dire the situation really is. I really don't know what to do. And I especially don't know how to be there for my mom as she goes through this. She lost her dad in June, and pretty soon, her husband. What could I possibly do or say?!?! I'm clueless as to what to say, do, think, or feel.

Again, I have to try and keep my mind focused on other bullshit so that I don't lose it. I watched "Clerks" last night. Definitely one of the greatest movies ever!

I'm doing a project in my Teaching Reading in Secondary School class. Me and this guy Dominic who's going to teach Social Studies and Jane who's going to teach Foreign Language have to team up and teach three different lessons based on a single piece of literature. I recommended using the poem "Dulce et Decorum Est" by Wilfred Owen because it's literature (for me, the English teacher), the title's in French (for Jane, the FL teacher), and it's about war (for Dominic, the SS teacher). It's one of my favorite poems ever. The last line: Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori means "How sweet and fitting it is to die for one's country". I better get to work on that.

I can't believe this semester's almost over! It seems like it just started!

Man! I cut onions three days ago for a salad and my fingers still smell like them. I've washed my hands at least 30 times since then. What the fuck?!

James Taylor kicks ass. He's so soothing to the soul, kinda like chicken soup.

Ahh...time to get off my ass and get some shit done. Homework, laundry, and all my other motherly duties await.

I need a beer.

"American Gangster"

So I decided to take advantage of my Friday off from school and work and venture out to Ronnie's Plaza to take in a movie. Considering how obsessed I am with my boy Denzel, there was no question when choosing which movie to see. (Well, also because the only other movie out that looks even slightly appealing to me is Saw IV, which I wouldn't dare see by myself because it'll probably scare me shitless). Anyway, it was a pretty good movie. It was long- almost three hours- but never once did my interest waiver. Basically, Denzel plays Frank Lucas, the man who singlehandedly monopolized the heroin business in 1968-1973 New York City. Russell Crowe is a down-and-out cop who makes it his mission to take down the drug bosses. I won't give anything away, but this movie has it all: action, drama, love, family, war, police corruption, drugs, heroes, traitors, blood, sweat, and tears. I liked it a lot. Of course, I've never seen a Denzel movie that I haven't liked. Although he was phenomenal in "Training Day", and in "American Gangster" as well, I still don't know if I like seeing Denzel playing a "bad guy". He's too handsome, gorgeous, and wonderful, that even when he plays a bad guy, I want him to come out victorious in the end. I like the "Remember the Titans" Denzel. But, overall, a good movie. Entertaining, and with a few edge-of-your-seat moments, oh- and for the guys, lots of tit shots. You know you love those.