Contentment

For some reason, this week has been one of the best I've had in a really, REALLY long time! I was racking my brain, trying to figure out why I'm just so damn happy this week, but nothing incredibly special or interesting happened, so I guess my happiness is beaming from the inside out. It was nice having Alex home- (he's on spring break)- so we got to spend a lot of quality time together. I watched some good movies ("No Country For Old Men", in particular), met and had fun with a really nice guy, actually enjoyed my classes at school, an was able to enjoy beautiful 70-degree weather, as well as incessent rain showers and thunderstorms, which I absolutely love. Anyway, I guess I was trying to pinpoint some amazing experience or some mind-boggling event, but then I realized that everything is a gift, every day an opportunity to enjoy life and be happy. I guess it's been awhile since I've felt so completely and utterly content for an entire week! It doesn't hurt that Richard hasn't called. I thought his presence in my life was something I needed, but now more than ever I realize that he was just holding me down, making my life worse. I'm so happy (and thankful) to be rid of him.

I don't know why I'm not falling over in exhaustion right now. It's almost 3am, but I'm not tired. I should be because I had VERY late nights the past two evenings. Tomorrow is Easter, so we're doing the whole family get-together thing, so that will be fun. Alex is excited to hunt for eggs. Mom and I are mean, and we thought it'd be funny if we put shit like baby carrots and pickles in some of the eggs so Alex, Michael, and the other kids would be like, "what the hell?!?!" It'll be funny for them to think that they're getting stuck with carrots and shit instead of money and endless piles of candy like usual.

I'm so super freaking excited about next Sunday. I'm going to see Chris Rock at The Fox. I've always wanted to see him live, so it will be a blast. We're going to sneak flasks of alcohol in with us to make it an even better experience. :)

Hmm...well, I guess I should try to get some shut eye so I'm not dead tired all day tomorrow.

Sweet dreams.

Happy Endings

I've been thinking about my birthday. I turn the big 2-6 on May 17- less than two months away. I know that in the scheme of things, 26 is young, but I feel like I'm getting so old, so fast. I'm still in college (although, this is my last semester), I'm single, my biological clock is ticking (just a little), and I have yet to buy a house of my own. I should revise part of my last statement; I'm not itching to have more kids right this very moment, but I would like to have one or two more within the next 8 years or so. That doesn't sound like much of a time crunch, except for the fact that I am single, and who knows when I will be in a healthy, stable, long-term relationship. That is, after all, the first step. One thing I know for sure is that I want the white-picket-fence type of life. Sometimes I think that the choices and decisions I have made have ended my hopes for a life like that, that I will be perpetually and hopelessly single, that my destiny has become- and always will be- to be a single mom to Alex. Well you know what? Fuck that! I deserve the kind of life I want and have envisioned for myself since I was a kid. I deserve to have a happy ending.

My brother is getting married next year- June 2009. MY brother- the man who always said (and truly believed) that he would never ever ever get married. He's been with Katie for 11 years, with no ring to occupy her finger, and then one day he had an epiphany. He proposed, and soon I will be the only person in my family to be unmarried. That's a little depressing. I thought for sure I'd be married off before Jered, but life is full of surprises.

I don't know why I've been thinking about this so much lately. Maybe because I've been single for so long (besides the whole Richard debacle, of course), and I'm just finding it hard to envision myself with "that special someone". Who is he? Do I already know him? If not, when will I meet him? What does he look like? What is his name? All these questions keep filling my head and are driving me crazy! I want to dedicate my life to the person God has chosen for me. I hate to admit it, but I'm getting impatient.

What adds to my frustration a little is that growing up, I was the girl with the boyfriends. I was hardly ever single. I had my first boyfriend when I was in third grade. Kevin Ross (a fifth grader) and I were pretty hot and heavy, considering we were just kids. I fell in love for the first time, had sex for the first time, felt complete for the first time when I was just 14. I was in a long-term relationship with Johnnie and had Alex when I was 19. And in between all of that, I can't remember being on my own, completely single for more than a month or two at a time. Most of my friends were single throughout my adolescence, so I think it's extra hard to deal with the fact that now as an adult, I'm the one who's single. I'm not comparing myself to others, but it's just interesting how things turn out. At the rate I was going, I should've (and probably could've) been married 5 years ago. But, at least I was smart enough to not go against my gut. I do know people- plenty of them- who get married for the completely wrong reasons. Even though I'm single, at least I am comforted by the fact that I never settled, and never will.

Part of me also wants a dad for Alex. I'm not looking for a man just to fill that position because trust me, I am perfectly capable of raising him on my own. I've been doing it for the past six years. But, having a positive, consistent male role model in my son's life would be the icing on the cake. He deserves it. I didn't really have a father figure growing up; I want my son to have better. My son is- and will grow up to be- something truly amazing. He is incredibly gifted, talented, athletic, funny, resilient, and compassionate. He is the greatest gift I ever could have asked for, and I want to give him everything that he deserves, including a life with two parents to love and care for him.

I know I just need to stay strong, stay positive, and remain optimistic. God wants me to be completely and totally prepared for the person he has planned for me. I'm trying to live life with the expectancy He wants me to have, but I have to admit that at times, it's hard! Sometimes I'm tired of being patient and hopeful while everyone around me seems to be already falling in love and living the life they've always dreamed of. Sometimes I just want to ask, "why not me?!" But, my life does not go according to my schedule- I have to keep that in mind.

Confessions

I feel like I can't make any true, deep-down-secret type confessions on this blog. Too many people know about it, too many people I know read it. There's even a link to it from my MySpace page for Christ's sake. It just dawned on me that I need to make another blog where I can truly pour my heart out without worrying about who's going to read it.

Today was great! I had school all afternoon (I skipped my a.m. class), and contrary to most of the population, I absolutely love rain. I love thunderstorms, rain showers, cloudy skies- I actually prefer it over sunny days. I even pondered moving to Seattle just for that reason. It's raining now, and there's a definite chill in the air, but I have a few windows of my house wide open, just so I can enjoy the pitter-patter of the raindrops.

I've been told, and I think I'm finally starting to agree, that I get the hiccups more than anyone else in the world. I'm sure that's quite an exaggeration, but seriously. I get the hiccups at least ten times a day. I have 'em right now.

For the first time in a long time, I actually feel good about being single. Something keeps telling me that it's just not my time, and when I least suspect it, God will send that one special person into my life. I finally learned to stop pushing it and stop getting frustrated. I've actually learned to embrace being single. It's been nice to just have the time and energy to focus on myself. Focusing on myself has helped me become healthier- physically and mentally- and I'm excited to continue my progress.

I watched "No Country for Old Men" last night. I really liked it. It was quiet, and a bit bloody, but it was one of the better movies I've seen in a while.

I think I'm going to turn off the computer, turn off the tv, light a candle or two and fall asleep listening to the rain.

Things have been...

going pretty well, for the most part. I started my internship at Sumner High School a few weeks ago. It's a lot of work, but fun. I just can't wait till I have my own classroom! Less than a year to go.
I need to start blogging more often. It really did help me vent.
I found out today that I got a 100 on my History of the English Language exam. Damn! I thought I got a B. I'm proud of myself! That shit's hard! That's one of the hardest classes I've ever had to take (with the exception of biology. I SUCK at Science). Anyway, I just wanted to check in. I've been neglecting my blog once again. I need to be more consistent!
I'm headed to the park now. During my break at school I did 4.5 miles at the park. It felt so good to finally be out again! I was starting to develop a severe case of cabin fever.
Anyway, I'm out.