Gerbils

I feel like a gerbil. I feel like I'm constantly trapped in this little glass cage. I feel confined. It's like I can look out and see the world going on around me, but I'm fixated in this one spot. I feel like I'm constantly running in circles; my feet keep moving, I'm expending loads of effort, but I'm getting absolutely nowhere. I try to be the best little gerbil I can be, but all I have to show for it is little piles of shit on top of wood shavings inside this tiny glass cage of mine.

I'm at the juncture of my life, where I don't know which direction to go. Nothing seems to be working out for me. My love life is non-existent. I'm constantly wondering what's wrong with me. I feel like the light around me, my aura if you will, is fading from bright, vivid light, to black. I feel the energy- and the hope- being sucked away from my spirit. I'm constantly wondering, praying, questioning, hoping. Wondering how long things are going to suck for me. Praying for God to send me love, strength, and happiness. Questioning what mistakes I've made, and how I can change things. Hoping- desperately- for things to start getting better. I want to be a better mom, a more confident woman, a happy person. I feel like everyone around me is finding happiness, while I'm just left in the dust. It's at moments like this, when I realize how truly lucky I am in many ways. I have my health, a wonderful son, and goals which will soon be accomplished, like graduating college and being a teacher. While that's all well and good, it's not enough. I want more. I want joy. I want more true friends. Right now, I can count them on one hand, with a few fingers to spare. I want love. I want a happy ending. Or at least a content one. I just don't know what to do anymore. It's like my best just isn't good enough.

I found a quote a few weeks ago that I've never heard before, but one that really inspired me. "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." Maybe I need to put all of my effort into creating the life I want, rather than just hoping and praying for it. But...how do I do that?