LaSt BlOg Of JuNe 2008

What the fuck happened to the month of June? Tomorrow is July 1st. WTF?! I'm not ready for it to be July!!! I start teaching August 18th, and I am NOWHERE near ready! I'm not ready for this summer to be halfway over!

I'm sick.

I don't know if I'm a big baby or what, but I'm sick, and it sucks. I was out with Chrissy Saturday night, and for a brief moment, it felt as though the left gland in my throat was becoming a little bit sore. Well, I went to bed around 3, and woke up at 5 with the most horrendous pain I've ever felt in my throat...ever. I crawled into bed (I had fallen asleep on the couch), and I literally did not get out of bed until 8 this morning. That's 21 straight hours. I had a fever, body aches like you couldn't believe, and my throat was so swollen I could barely speak, and I still can't swallow. It's horrible. It hurts. I bet JASON gave this to me. Last time I saw him- last Thursday- he was complaining about a sore throat. You owe me Jason...big time!

Sexy Man Addendum:

In a previous blog, which, by the way, I constructed primarily out of complete boredom, I ranked the ten hottest male celebrities. Well, boredom has struck once again, and I feel the need to make a few changes.

George Clooney is no longer #10. I forgot all about the sexy Josh Hartnett. When I first laid eyes on him in "The Faculty", I knew he had it going on, but after I saw him in "30 Days of Night" a few months ago, his hotness was solidified because he's quite possibly even better looking than he was ten years ago.



So...George Clooney is off the list, (although he never looked hotter than he did in "From Dusk Till Dawn", I think he's more deserving of the number 11 spot).

I contemplated removing Patrick Dempsey from the list, that is, until I saw him on "The Tonight Show" a few nights ago. (I think the episode originally aired in April, however). Anyway, he was so cute, so charasmatic, so charming, that he definitely deserves to be in the top 10.



I don't think Danny Pino is very photogenic. I also considered knocking him down a few notches, but every time I watch "Cold Case", I find myself completely mesmerized. He's simply delectable. I still can't find a decent picture of him that truly captures the essence of his hotness. But, this one's not too bad...



If you know me at all, you know I have a slight fetish for older guys. Maybe it's their maturity, their experience, or maybe some sick, twisted desire that I have for a father figure. Whatever the reason, there's a few older men that I find to be incredibly sexy. Maybe it's his bad ass, yet kind hearted character on "Law & Order: SVU", but I have to admit that I've had more than one fantasy featuring Christopher Meloni. I'm not usually into the balding type, but....damn. He's sexy.



Alright, that's enough of that. But I am sex deprived, so I'm allowed to be this pathetic.

Gerbils

I feel like a gerbil. I feel like I'm constantly trapped in this little glass cage. I feel confined. It's like I can look out and see the world going on around me, but I'm fixated in this one spot. I feel like I'm constantly running in circles; my feet keep moving, I'm expending loads of effort, but I'm getting absolutely nowhere. I try to be the best little gerbil I can be, but all I have to show for it is little piles of shit on top of wood shavings inside this tiny glass cage of mine.

I'm at the juncture of my life, where I don't know which direction to go. Nothing seems to be working out for me. My love life is non-existent. I'm constantly wondering what's wrong with me. I feel like the light around me, my aura if you will, is fading from bright, vivid light, to black. I feel the energy- and the hope- being sucked away from my spirit. I'm constantly wondering, praying, questioning, hoping. Wondering how long things are going to suck for me. Praying for God to send me love, strength, and happiness. Questioning what mistakes I've made, and how I can change things. Hoping- desperately- for things to start getting better. I want to be a better mom, a more confident woman, a happy person. I feel like everyone around me is finding happiness, while I'm just left in the dust. It's at moments like this, when I realize how truly lucky I am in many ways. I have my health, a wonderful son, and goals which will soon be accomplished, like graduating college and being a teacher. While that's all well and good, it's not enough. I want more. I want joy. I want more true friends. Right now, I can count them on one hand, with a few fingers to spare. I want love. I want a happy ending. Or at least a content one. I just don't know what to do anymore. It's like my best just isn't good enough.

I found a quote a few weeks ago that I've never heard before, but one that really inspired me. "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." Maybe I need to put all of my effort into creating the life I want, rather than just hoping and praying for it. But...how do I do that?

I'm tired of being single!

What is it about me? How come any guy I meet either likes me as "just a friend", or simply wants to have sex with me occasionally without committment? I'm not the booty call type, ok?! I want true love. So....why is it that the only guys who show the least bit of interest want nothing more than meaningless sex completely void of any feelings or emotions? I don't care how pathetic it sounds, but I'm tired of being alone. I want someone to love who will love me back.

"He Didn't Mean It"

Microfiction, a.k.a. the short short story, a.k.a. flash fiction, is one of my favorite genres of literature. I first learned about it in a fiction writing class I took at Meramec back in 2004. Typically, a microfiction piece consists of less than 1,000 words, but some consist of just a few. For example, a Hemingway microfiction piece is simply this:
"For sale: baby shoes, never worn."
Only six words, but so descriptive, engaging, and full of different possible interpretations.

Anyway, microfiction is a great way to teach writing, and in particular, the importance of effective word choice, so I will MOST DEFINITELY be using this next semester with the kids at Sumner.

Just for the hell of it, I guess I'll post a microfiction piece I wrote for that fiction writing class. It's in desperate need of revision, but who cares. It's been done for four years- I'm not going to bother changing it now. I usually write in long, flowing, descriptive sentences, but I remember that it was nice to try something new, something outside of my usual writing routine. The thing I really like about this story is that it's written in the second person- very rare for fiction. The subject matter is subtle, but intense, and while it's only semi-autobiographical, it really touches me for some reason.

Readjust your twisted skirt. Tame your tousled hair. Wipe the tear from your rosy cheek and gather your composure. Sit up straight. Cross your legs. Be a woman. Ignore the fact that this is the third time this week. Pretend you’re not bothered. Push back the anger and silence the voices inside your head. Force those blistered lips into a smile. Tell him you’re sorry. Pretend to know what you’re sorry about. It’s not his fault. You should have known. Let him hug you. Hug him back. Don’t let him see your look of disgust. Let him kiss you. Kiss him back. Keep yourself from biting his tongue. Cook him dinner. Make his favorite dish. Grab a cold beer from the fridge. Watch him eat. You better clean up right away. He’s had a hard day. Rub his shoulders. Make him feel at ease. Turn on the ballgame. Light his cigar. Excuse yourself. Do his laundry. Iron his clothes. Put his children to bed. Ask him if he needs anything. Be attentive. Run your bathwater. Scrub well; he likes you clean. Shave your legs. Wax your bikini line. Paint your nails. Apply a pretty shade of pink lipstick. Cover that bruise. Get in bed and wait for him to join you. When he does, fulfill his needs. Don’t be selfish. He’s had a hard day. Don’t make him mad. Don’t be too needy. Don’t cry. Don’t ask him why. Don’t hold it against him. After all, he didn’t mean it.

Surrounded by morons.

It just dawned on me, that after titling this blog, I seem to be in a rather negative mood lately. I usually refer to myself as a compassionate, sympathetic, optimistic person in a world of cynics, but lately, I'm just fed up. Fed up with the way society is heading down the fucking tubes, fed up with the fact that it seems no one behaves as if they have the teeniest bit of morals or values, and to be blunt, I'm fed up with complete and utter stupidity.

Take the above picture, for example. I was doing my grocery shopping at Shop 'n Save the other night. As I was strolling along the meat aisle, I noticed this banner they had hung over the deli meats. The whole thing (was supposed to) read, "United We Stand". Instantly, I noticed that it instead read, "Unitd We Stand". They forgot the fucking E! How big of a moron do you have to be to misspell "united", a word that is in the name of our freaking country for crying out loud.

Seriously. I don't know how some people manage to exist. I'm no genius or anything, but at least I know the proper uses of words like "you're" and "your". And I manage to comprehend the whole "there", "their", "they're" phenomenon. What the fuck is wrong with people?

What is wrong with the world?....

I'm so sickened. So disgusted. So utterly nauseated. I just finished watching the news, and the celebrity gossip show, "TMZ", just came on. I despise people who absolutely idolize celebrities. (Ok, I know I'm completely obsessed with Denzel, but that's where I draw the line). I'm referring to all those nutjobs out there who read "People" religiously. These are the same people who actually give a flying fuck about who's dating who, where so-and-so gets their coffee, and worst of all....people who watch shows like "The Hills". I am proud to say that I have never subjected myself to actually sitting down and watching an episode of this "reality" show, but I was forced to sit through "Laguna Beach" a few times. Thanks, Julie. Anyway, so I understand the premise, and what completely baffles me is how people are actually entertained by watching rich, sheltered, clueless, airhead snobs bitch and bicker about mundane, superficial bullshit. Who the fuck are these Heidi and Spencer bozos?!?! And why the fuck are they famous?!?! Why the fuck do they have papparazzi following them?!?! Why????? I simply do not understand. Who are the morons in this country actually supporting this nonsense????? It is an absolute disgrace that these numbskulls, who contribute absolutely NOTHING to society, are admired and idolized for doing nothing more than broadcasting their drama on national television. People who actually enjoy this shit seriously need a reality check...and their heads examined, because apparently, several million brain cells are missing.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not completely opposed to celebrity admiration. It's fantastic when young kids have someone to look up to, to admire. It seems to me, however, that the celebrities being idolized today are virtual worthless pieces of shit, who again, contribute absolutely nothing to society. The fake breasted sluts on "The Girls Next Door", Miley Cyrus (who at age 15 stripped naked and posed for photos wearing nothing more than a fucking sheet), and these "Hills" dumbasses are who our young people are looking to as role models?!?!?! What is wrong with this picture?!?! No wonder so many girls are becoming raging sluts. And the boys of this generation pay more respect to gang banging rappers than to any worthwhile celebrities. What happened to the Michael Jordans, Martin Luther Kings, and Malcolm X's of the world? People who actually deserve admiration are ignored, thanks mostly to this whole "sex sells" bullshit.

I am so fucking fed up. I really am. Society is so fucked up, and the scary part is, it's only going to get worse.

The only good thing about "TMZ" is that they actually poke fun of celebrities, making fun of them every chance they get. But, they are still perpetuating all of this nonsense by following around all these fucking non-celebrities with their fucking cameras. So really, they're just adding to the problem. I wish time could turn back a few decades and people would focus on shit that really counts instead of wasting so much time, effort, and energy on worthless wastes of skin like the Lindsay Lohans and Paris Hiltons of the world.

I want to move to Kenya and live in a little tiny straw hut, just so I never have to see or hear about any of these fucking shitheads again.

I'm Old Now.

Today was Alex's first day of summer school (which he actually WANTED to sign up for). The city of St. Louis has provided the transportation, so I sent him off for his very first school bus ride. He was excited; I was a nervous wreck! And when the bus drops him off this afternoon, I'll still be at work, so he'll be walking the 2 blocks home, and letting himself inside. AGHH!!!!! He's a smart kid, and he clearly understands the rules, but as a mommy, I can't help but feel nervous. He'll be here by himself for an hour at the most, but just knowing that my baby is now a little boy who is semi-independent is weird. And it makes me feel very very old. :(

Total Surprise

I just got home a few minutes ago, and what do I find when I open my door? A very official-looking letter from the Missouri Child Support Enforcement agency. I eagerly ripped open the envelope to discover a check, made out to me, in the amount of $442.00! I'm assuming this is Alex's dad's tax refund that the government intercepted like they did a few years ago. June 2005 was the last time I received a SINGLE DIME from him for the support of our son, so seeing this check three years later was indeed a blessing. Granted, $442 barely makes a dent in the more than $40,000 I am owed in back child support, but it's certainly better than nothing. Now I can pay my electric bill (in full), fill up my gas tank, and take Alex to Chuck E. Cheese, which he has been begging me to do.
This is just one more example of proof that faith and prayer do work! I've been asking God to help me financially, and this past month I've been working more hours at Hollywood Tan, I received a few hundred dollars for my birthday, the shithead who owes me $450 paid me back, and now this. I am so happy....and thankful....

Sundays...

Sundays are a weird day for me; they always have been. I remember dreading Sundays when I was a kid. It marks that weird transition from the fun weekend to the start of a new (long) school week, or in this case, work week. I remember being utterly and completely bored out of my skull almost every Sunday. And nothing good is ever on TV. At least on the weekdays, if I'm watching TV in the middle of the day, I can always turn to "The Price is Right", or amuse myself by watching idiots on "Jerry Springer", or tune in to reruns of "Dawson's Creek"...something! All I've seen this morning is boring Sunday news programs talking about the Clinton/Obama drama, real estate shows showcasing houses I can't afford, and japanimation (however you spell it) cartoons- none of which I have the slightest desire to watch. Normally I would lounge on my sectional, flipping through the cable channels which usually have something entertaining to choose from, but now that the Wii has arrived, Alex has taken over my big screen in the living room. I'm barracaded to my room if I want to watch TV, which only has the most basic of basic channels- 2, 4, 5, 9, 11, and 30. I've blogged, I've Myspaced, I've Facebooked, I've e-mailed, and I've Youtubed. What else is there to do?

It doesn't seem like there's as much to do on Sundays. Stores close earlier, places like the zoo and the Science Center are absolutely packed (I avoid big crowds as often as possible), and I just feel like Sunday is my designated "lazy day". Sometimes it's nice to know that I can just chill and relax one day out of the week. I can sleep in, read a good book, watch a movie, take a bubble bath, paint my nails...but as I grow older I'm finding that when I don't have a big long agenda for the day full of "to do" lists, I just don't know what to do with myself. Sadly, I'm looking forward to Monday so I can get back to work and actually keep myself busy.

My "plans" for today? I'm going to work out, of course, since I'm into this whole new routine thing that I'm doing, I'm going to go tanning (not really because I want to, but because I have nothing better to do), and I'm going to wash the dishes. Exciting, exciting stuff. I'll probably take Alex to the park, maybe chat on the phone, and give myself a pedicure. The problem is...I'm not in the mood to do any of that! I want some excitement! Screw it- maybe we'll drive over to Carlyle Lake or out to Innsbrook for a picnic and an afternoon of swimming. But, then again, gas prices are freaking ridiculous and I'm broke! Ughhhh.... I just hate Sundays.

Normally, I'd be going to church right about now, which helps me feel fulfilled (and another plus- it kills about 3 hours. My church's service is VERYVERYVERYVERY long). But, I've decided to find a new church. First of all, it's all the way out in Ferguson, which is about a 25 minute drive. (Again, the gas prices). Mostly, however, it's because it's the same church my ex goes to. The congregation is very small- about 30 people- so it's not like I can just avoid him by disappearing into the crowd. I've gone to some great lengths to make sure I never have to see him again, so being forced to be in the same room with him every Sunday kind of defeats the purpose. I got a new phone number, mostly so he can't contact me. Anyway, I really enjoyed that church, but I think it's more important right now to make sure I have zero contact with that man.

Anyway, I've got to find a new hobby or something.

LOVE IT!

This song isn't brand new or anything, but I find myself listening to it over, and over, and over again. I absolutely LOVE it!!! I don't even consider myself much of a Nickelback fan, but this song just sends chills down my spine. :) I love how they can "rock out" with guitars and drums, but still create a beautifully soft, romantic love song.