Fears

The closer I get to graduation and my teaching certification, the more nervous I'm becoming. I've been substitute teaching for about a year and a half or so, which in itself presents a huge set of complications and learning experiences, but to know that I will be an "actual" teacher in the near future is really stressing me out. Teaching is my passion and always has been, but at the same time I'm scared because the lives (and minds) of young people will be in my hands.

I'm a fairly academic, scholarly person. I get good grades, I love to read and write, and I truly and deeply value education. When it comes to teaching curriculum, I'm not too terribly worried. Through my experiences substituting and thanks to my many education and methods courses in college, I feel pretty confident in that area. I've learned tons of effective teaching methods and activities that I will incorporate into my classroom. The part I have trouble with when subbing is classroom management, or, in simpler terms, keeping the kids in check. I'm not very aggressive, I'm fairly soft-spoken, and I'm incredibly gullible. I've let kids take complete control and walk all over me in the past. And those were elementary and middle school kids! I'm going to teach high school, where I fear I will feel much more intimidated. I'm sure that subbing and teaching my own classes are very different. When kids have a sub, they think it's time to play. I'm sure that I will establish structure, mutual respect, and control in my own classes, but I still fear that I will be manipulated very easily by my students. When I subbed for an 8th grade class at Ferguson Middle School, one of the girls asked me where I'm going to teach and what grades. I told here I'm going to teach high school in the city schools, or possibly Wellston or some other inner-city area, and she laughed and said, "Girl, they're gonna work you!" Everyone laughed, and I know she didn't mean that in a mean way, but part of me knew she was right. I really need to work on my confidence so I can take command of the classroom and not let it take command over me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to be one of those teachers that's on a total power trip or anything. I want to build meaningful, trusting relationships with all of my students. I want to be able to have fun, joke around, and be the teacher they look to for love, support, advice, and compassion, but I still need to establish a sense of authority, which is definitely my greatest weakness. It's definitely worrying me, but I guess like with anything, it will work itself out as I get more practice and gain more experience.